Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Zen and the Art of Pressure Washing

So I recently had to clean a relatively large surface (astro turf) with a focused high pressure water cannon.  The beam was focused enough that agonising slivers of green were revealed during every sweep, while the ruddy mottled brown, no matter how hard you try, laughs back.

Being notoriously lazy, a plan was sought to minimise effort.  This plan involved a detailed grey matter image of the surface, contours, and eventual route; considering environmental factors and footprints.  Once the map had been set, following myriad rules such as:  Generally moving from the top of the slope to the bottom, working in three parallel blocks (each sub-divided by two further blocks), moving no more than fifty centimetres forward at a time (on each block), and moving as much detritus (for the cleaner picks up many billions of microscopic particles, congealing them into a macroscopic ooze) to the sides as possible.

These rules generally applied, but were legitimately broken if problems, considering such factors as wind direction, footprints and astro fibre density were found.

While millimetres were cleaned with every sweep, time was taken to contemplate the route - but even this only takes a finite amount of time, considering the task seemed to offer infinite opportunity for inexhaustible fun (the seasons bring further coverings of rain, sand, mud and snow.  Each sweep would appear to take five years to complete, lending the surface to continual cleaning, non-stop, all year round) I had to occupy spare grey cell computational cycles.  Therein lies the zen methodology.  Plan your pebble garden (or cleaning duty) around a simple and convenient pre-meditated (sic) plan, and follow it, being as detached as possible.  The mind goes blank, and one awakes to find the work either complete, or someone firing paintballs at him.  Either way, some amount of time has passed, and the world is a little cleaner/aesthetically pleasing.

Monday, 22 March 2010

How to Escape England: Initiation Guide

So escaping this thankless country is the prime concern of a large number of people.  Roughly half a million every two years are now leaving, up from four hundred thousand every three years.  Of course these people are the monetarily mobile, leaving only those who can't afford to leave, or who have no transferable skills.  If you're leaving for a foreign speaking country then a certain amount of 'intrepid,' must be genetically encoded in the individual, but this is normally established at birth, and is therefore unchangeable.  The other aspect, willingness to learn the new language, is determined entirely by the individual.

So as the masses flock to the shores, attempting to leave this gigantic titanic, here are my top tips for escaping.

For gaining a visa, you need a number of documents, (depending on where you go) and these take time.  My overall investment of time was promised at 3-4 weeks, maximum.  From my own experience, budget 7-8 weeks.  Government ineptitude is one of the universal laws, alongside Newtons' own.

The second aspect is money.  Every document sent to the government will cost around fifty pounds to sort; including the numerous resending and associated postal costs.  If you need five documents, then budget for ten.  Some will go missing in the post, others will be rejected, yet more will be lost in the government system.

So all it takes to leave this fine and failed land is eight weeks of your constant attention and thought, (men are single threaded processors, afterall) and five hundred pounds.

Oh and a job.

Friday, 12 March 2010

Nothing Ever Changes

The same old same old has been prevalent around these parts for a while now.  I might be heading to Korea soon, but that's not certain yet.  Maybe, maybe not.  Who knows.  Besides; until I'm there and working, I won't believe it.  Don't count your chickens, after all.

On a side-note, don't take life too seriously.

However, on a tangential trajectory to the side-note (which would place it  in line with the original, perhaps?) 'Bulletproof Monk,' is a terrible film.  Do not watch it.  It's a literal and figurative waste of your life.  Don't take life too seriously, but it's a rare film that can take itself lightly and be respectable.  This is not one of those films.

Live life by the minute everyone!

Click to Enlarge.  If you've never seen Futurama it won't work.

Friday, 5 March 2010

The Model, Lottie: On Life

I recently had the opportunity to meet Lottie Goedhart, on an ice rink.  She is an aspiring model hailing from afar.  How far you ask?  Well, let's find out...

Ok Lottie, tell us where you're from.

A small-ish city called Breda in the south of the Netherlands.

Did you only live there, before moving to Wales?

No, I also lived in Rotterdam in the Netherlands for about roughly 4 years.

Of the two, which is your favourite place?

Difficult! I like both places, Breda because it is actually my home town and just a lovely, almost picturesque city, but I like large cities that never sleep as well.  I kind of take the best of both as it's only 45 min apart.

If I were a tourist, with only a day to visit the Netherlands, which of the two would you recommend?

That really depends on what the tourist wants! If he/she is looking for art / musea etc, Rotterdam would be the place, however for shopping, nice surroundings and relaxing I would say Breda.

Ah very diplomatic!

No I worked in tourism, I always had to ask what the customer wants.

(I wonder if you are still on the Rotterdam tourist board payroll!)
Ok so now you're in Wales, how have you found it so far?

Uuuuuhm, I like the Welsh nature, it's very pretty.  Cardiff is Ok, but in all honesty maybe [it's] not classy enough, there is very little to do and I don't really get along with the Welsh community either.  It's not the place to  be for me.

So what made you choose Cardiff?

Originally I wanted to go to London, but I soon found out that was financially a little out of my reach  Other than London it was going to be any other place I could get in, and as I met my current boyfriend online, he offered to help me get into the uni where he lived, which is close to Cardiff.

What problems have you had with the Welsh community?

I think I have completely different interests than the Welsh community, also in how we spend our free time and socialise.

So it's a case of not seeing eye to eye on social activities?  Going with friends to a nightclub, is for example, something you have no interest in?

I do have an interest in going to a nightclub, however what I am used to from the netherlands is perhaps start off the night with a nice big cocktail among us girls to celebrate the start of a good night, but our main interest after that is generally dancing our cute behinds off and being silly  As where here the main interest seems to be alcohol consumption.  I also find that the music played is slightly different.

You mentioned cute behinds, what gave you the idea of becoming a model, and when did you decide to take the leap?

Hmmm... Because I am quite tall and slim, family and friends tend to keep mentioning "you should do modelling", which kind of appealed to me since I was young, but never really got confident enough or got round to actually do something about it.  When I turned 22 I realised if I ever wanted to do this I should hurry, and I literally googled "how to become a model" and took it from there .

What's been the biggest obstacle in your modelling career, thus far?

Keeping confident I think... Things like [the] cold you can easily overcome by being persistant, or having to balance a silly difficult pose that can be laughed at if you fall, but staying confident if some images don't look good in the end, or slipping out of your shoes during a catwalk I find most difficult.   It is crucial though... once you show you are nervous or worried, people will know.

Do you have any special good luck routines before you perform in a show, either for good luck or to keep calm?

Not really! For photoshoots I don't get nervous anymore by now, however on these shows I can't help it and get really nervous and excited! I just tend to act a bit silly or dance backstage to keep my mind off it! Not sure if it helps, but I am completely focussed again when I hit the catwalk, so it must be ok.

Of all the projects you've done so far, which has been your favourite?

Oh! uhm...  I have really enjoyed most projects, but catwalk wise... I suppose the most recent one, which was the fairwear 2010 in Bristol. Mainly because the looks, walk, and designs were so unique! Completely different from a "normal" catwalk, and the bonding with the other girls was really good! They were all lovelies.

Do you ever come off the stage and think, damn, I should have done something different?

Well, the difficult thing is, you can't see yourself walk... but I do think things like "AAAARRRG STUPID SHOES!!!" (when I slipped out of them while walking for example) or when going off the catwalk thinking "where are the stairs!! where are these stupid stairs!!! oh here! nearly passed them... hope nobody has seen that! "

Hahaha do you struggle to keep a straight face when these things happen?

Depends haha, I might have an inside giggle but keep a straight face, unless I am sure the audience can't see me anymore I might give a smile to the people backstage.

What's the community like backstage?  Is everyone friendly or is there still an undercurrent of competitiveness?

Well, I have only had 3 shows so far but they were all quite different... I found that the first 1, one model really didn't care if I had enough room while we passed each other on stage, it wouldn't of surprised me if she tried to push me off.  However backstage they acted like they were each other's best friends.  While at the most recent show, we were actually all helping each other, taking pictures of each other and having a laugh.  Borrowing each other's shoes etc.  Other than that, everybody working backstage is completely stressed out, which I find quite funny at times.  How can you not be... but I tend to see the funny side of these things.

Before I met you, I didn't have a clue about fashion photography, or catwalks.  Can you outline the main genres of fashion work?

Well, there are a few categories in modelling and photography, but of just the fashion industry:
Catalogue
Couture/High Fashion
Commercial/Beauty

Sometimes you can have a conceptual shoot as well for a specific product, but these are the mainstream ones.

Which areas do you specialise in?

All of those, however I only agree to catalogue to get work published or a paid fee, I enjoy the other aspects of the fashion industry more.   I also LOVE conceptual, as you really get to go all out with ones creativity.  But those are obviously more personal projects between the photographer, model, make-up artist etc.

What is the models' input during the photographic process?







That is different per shoot at the moment! If I arrange a shoot myself I have a lot of input obviously, but if I reply to a casting call, the photographer or other creative generally has a very clear idea of what they want, and I just do what they ask of me.  Then there is 1 photographer who starts with a specific idea for a shoot, but discusses every single detail with me, as we kind of keep inspiring each other with out-of-the-box ideas for all sorts of shoot themes.

You know those crazy scientist stereotypes? I suppose he is kind of like that, because he can get really excited and slightly confused! All caught up in a special idea!  





Lovely guy! 





Now I just hope he will never read this haha!



















Which situation do you find yourself thriving in more?  Lots of creative input, or a more subtle reaction to a very rigid idea set down by someone else?







 Uhm.. kind of both! I love going all out on an idea with that photographer for example, but it also takes up a lot of time to organise etc.  So the creative side of it is very very rewarding and satisfying, but sometimes I'm also just needed to just adapt to someone else's idea, and just get into character.  I think if I would have to choose I would prefer a lot of creative input, but like I said, sometimes it's nice to just have a bit of a break.

Are there any stereotypes or conventions that particularly annoy you, regarding models in general?

Unlike beauty pageants, a show or shoot is not about me, I am merely a hard working clothing hanger or blank make-up canvass. High-fashion isn’t always “pretty” it is art, and as long as it catches your eye (which it obviously does when someone expresses their disliking) it has achieved its goal. Also I do NOT have an eating disorder, I eat more than my dad on a daily base and have an addiction to anything that contains sugar! Nor do I sleep with photographers, trust me... I would be more interested in their camera equipment! (And so are they by the way...)

So looking forward, do you have any plans for the future?

I have got a shoot planned here and there, but my main goal for now is to get my portfolio printed, show my book to agencies and hopefully get signed!

Thank you very much for your time Lottie, and thanks for meeting me on the ice!  (I would recommend this as an equal forum, because of the ever present threat of falling.  Layers of ice bring equality among all people) 

Check out Lotties' website here, or on the links section to the right.  It's definitely worth looking at, especially for the full-body make up shoot... I can't begin to describe it, and you wouldn't believe me even if I did!

Monday, 1 March 2010

Who Made me Fat? You Did, you Fat Cow.

Thank you for giving me something to write about, dumb blonde BBC presenter.

The first half of that sentence is the name of the programme, and the dumb blonde in questions name is... Actually I don't care.  To give her name is to validate her existence.

Anyway; she was amazed to find that more offers are placed on junk food than other foods.  This is simple economics...  The thing that makes you the most money is the thing that goes fastest through your doors, volume is the name of the game in supermarkets, as it is with most industries.  To put offers on products that sell the highest volume (and are therefore most profitable) is merely catering for an obese market.

Morrisons was the butt of this particular programme.  In a presenter like tone, an amazing 62% of Morrisons products promoted in deals are high in sugar or salt!  Literally amazing!


Actually no it isn't.  38% of their products are not unhealthy, and these are the products no one buys, and are also presumably the perishable items.  Such a large percentage of healthy foods frankly, amazes me.  By percentage of food we actually eat that should be around 5%.

I wonder if this woman writes this stuff herself.  I would have more respect for her if she were simply a politician-like puppet, strings pulled by the BHA or somesuch health organisation.

AND APPARENTLY EATING TOO MUCH SUGAR CAUSES OBESITY!  That's amazing.  And that's also a direct quote.  She was amazed to find this out.  All I can say is this:

Jesus Christ.

Yeah she's moderately attractive, but still, she couldn't hold a conversation with a five year old.  To quote another fantastic and mentally stimulating televisual series, 'snog, marry or avoid,' she is a definite 'snog.'

She's goddamned stupid.

Jesus.

Seriously.

Oh and she is a normal sized person, blaming all of lifes problems on someone else, getting people to lobby against food giants, because all human beings are incapable of looking after themselves.


And I'm going to end with a direct quote: 'oh no, it appears the public health minister is leaving the responsibility of our diets in our hands.'

OH NO I CANNOT HANDLE THE PRESSURE, THE STRESS.  When I get stressed I usually eat junk foo... Shit.  I'm going to die of obesity.  Why doesn't the government make only healthy foods available for purchase.  Oh, and while you're at it, I want a government sponsored person to cut up my food... Oh wait, while they're there they can feed me too.  Brilliant.  Problem solved.

Bye bye.

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Poor Referee Decisions!

The Koreans have just been robbed of a medal by Asian arch-nemeses the chinese.

However, it's really late and I'm tired so I'll write about it tomorrow; this will remind to write about it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
So in discussion I couldn't quite articulate what it was that made long track superior to short track, but the above event showed me what it was.  The long track is decided by the competitors in one way or another, whereas the short track is always dominated by the referee.

A certain Mr. Kramer won the 10km long track by around five seconds, but was denied the gold by the referee because he went into the wrong lane.  Now this might at first seem to undermine my position, however, the referee is simply following the rules as laid down by the sports governing body, and Mr. Kramer (the world record holder in one distance, and favourite to win three gold medals across the games (he only managed one)) spends his entire life training and participating in events such as this.  If he cannot follow the rules after countless thousands of hours of training, and they aren't ingrained in his very core being, then I have little sympathy for his cause.  It is also the case that the penalty was entirely self-inflicted, no other human being made him do what he did.

Short track in entirely different however, as skaters are always jostling for position and making contact.  It is therefore up to the judges interpretation of rules.  The skaters can control their own destinies insofar as their route around the track, but should another skater run into them and take them both out, that is beyond their control.

The team skate is a perfect example of this.  The chinese skater deliberately skated into the Korean skater in order to get the Korean disqualified.  The Korean skater didn't move to interrupt the chinese line, and didn't impede the chinese skater in any way; but the chinese skater lost out because of her own exuberance and so the referee penalised the Koreans.  This kind of ridiculous decision is what spoils short track, and it happens more often than you might expect.

Just as footballers dive headfirst at every point of contact in order to gain a penalty, short track skaters make big overblown gestures to intimate their innocence, and worse than doing it in the first place is getting away with it.  The chinese cheated and won, and my respect for short-track drops again.

Monday, 22 February 2010

One Hundred and One

More as a testament to perseverance than interest, this post reaches past the century... Something England cricketers often struggle to do!

Tomorrow is my fifth driving lesson; I've no idea what's going to happen.  Hopefully I won't crash.  That's something to aim for I guess.

No matter how long I search, no jobs seem to appear.  Just got to keep looking I guess.

I've been watching a lot of the Winter Olympics.  Speed skating, short and long track are my favourites, with some great cross-country and biathlon races too.  I don't really understand any of it, but it's interesting to watch. Especially things like the ski cross and downhill where people are always on the edge of ability.

And finally:

Another Hubble image.

Friday, 19 February 2010

Free Speech

One hundred blog posts are to be topped off with a 'free speech,' cherry.  This is to include a meaningless post, and a completely crazy rant.

Apparently this particular entry into the internet void has been around for at least six years; although this is the first I've heard of it. (See the previous 'it' for the link!)  This isn't so much a website as a random collection of words that are burdened with a ten thousand dollar reward for disproving it.  Once you see the website however, you'll come to realise his reward may as well be a billion dollars, because sentences that don't make sense can't be questioned or supported.  In which case I offer a billion pounds for anyone who can disprove my theory of life, (along the lines of the previous link) 'potatoes sporadic compromise land fly quick land.'

Driving lesson number four (or five, or six, I can't remember how many now) I've done a few 'turns-in-the-road,' or whatever it is they're called...  A lot of driving around.  A couple of stalls so far.  Not much else to report really.

This small cheese related mathematical theorem made me laugh.

It's also useful for understanding what programmers mean when they talk about tessellation of triangles in graphic design and three-dimensional modelling!  Useful stuff!













That's about all I can think to write about now.  Bye bye.


The hubble telescope doing what it does best, and what it appears only to do...

Saturday, 13 February 2010

Driving Lessons

I've started taking driving lessons.  After a prolonged period of inactivity on this front I've managed to twist the arm of the involved parties, and have commenced learning how to drive.  I have stalled the car once so far, and tried changing into the wrong gear once as well.  It's not as complicated as flying a helicopter, but there are significantly more obstacles.  I guess that kind of evens itself out then...

I'm sure there are other things to report...  Wait no, there aren't.

That is all.

Oh!  Happy chinese New Year!

And here's a random nebula.  Orions belt; just below it in fact.

Recently posted on wired; I'm sure I'm breaking copyright infringement...  Oh well.

Pretty right?  Click for a full-sized view of the image.

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Kim Jong-Il's Comedy Club

Obviously a contradictory title; with a view to incite the positive associations of a comedy club and juxtapose those feelings with the negative associations we have of North Korea.

The short film is essentially about three men, travelling to North Korea in order to perform a skit for the Korean people.  They're comedians, and intend to perform something that's famous in Denmark; or more accurately, a number of disjointed skits they pass as a show.

The film is therefore about these individuals putting on a show; more than about the show itself.

As per usual I have many criticisms about the film; ranging from the integrity of portrayals, especially of their personal consort (a ms. Pak), to the manner in which the crew have taken to the task of filming.

The portrayals are skewed because of the directors perogative, he overlays a lot of her speech with biased views, going so far as to voice her views for her.  He even makes excuses as to why she might be so bold as to cry at a communist monument.  What she says, and his interpretation, vary to such an extent that it becomes something of a mockery of the idea of documentary itself.  I'm sure the director is more intelligent than he lets on.  Flaunting documentary protocol in such a manner has an obvious purpose, and one that he comments on himself, using one of their crew as much for propogandist anti-Korean purposes, as the North Koreans want to use him themselves.

In summary it's an entirely orchestrated ruse, both attempting to fool the North Koreans, as one would expect, but also to fool the audience.  This film is as much documentary as 'the office,' might be considered to be.  It does afford an insight into a world I have literally never seen before though, and I'm amazed they pulled it off - so to speak.

You can catch it on BBC Iplayer right now.  Go Go!

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

The Age Old Dispute; Given an American Twist:

I won't introduce this video, other than to say it contains swearing:




Why doesn't she just find another partner like a normal person?  And, as one of the eloquent and poetic comments suggests: (paraphrased by me for your sanity) Don't touch a mans' playstation!

As a side note; it's often said that a person (regardless of gender) may have a maximum of two attributes, from a maximum pool of three.  On the internet this trinity is: Looks, Availability, Sanity.  Pick two, and you have a cross-section of humans on the internet.  I propose that most people actually have one of the above.

To apply this rule to the video above; she is attractive; soon to be available, but quite insane.

In real life I feel the trinity tends towards: Sane, Attractive and Honest.  All valuable commodities within the realm of human interaction; somewhat difficult to find grouped into a single package; despite the breadth of ones net, and the bounties of the many oceans in which we swim!


On a lighter note.  This made me laugh.  It's not just purile netspeak; think about it.  Goodnight.

Friday, 29 January 2010

Yes, England is just as Corrupt and Lie Encrusted, the Difference is; I can see This.

I was going to lead this post with my snookering exploits; but I instead lead with an interesting story.

I use QQ messenger; chinas' direct MSN equivalent.  This is legacy software from a past life, but it occasionally throws up interesting conversations.  This software isn't used outside of china; bar the abundance of middle-class chinese migrants scurrying around Europe and america.  As one of the few English speakers on their network; I'm something of a fascinating oddity for the two hundred million users in china.  Let me just say that again.  This software has 200 million active users.  That's around 1/5th of the worlds pc's, including home pc's, and commercial enterprise computers.  Pc's that aren't actually pc's, things such as PVR's are included in this figure.  This is, as sobering and literal as possible, the single most popular piece of software in the world; bar windows, upon which it runs.  People don't have a choice when it comes to windows though...

Anyway; I'm an oddity on this system, not having a chinese name or login; therefore tons of people add me to their 'buddy list,' and I have a cross-section of the chinese middle classes at my fingertips.

I've asked every person that's added me on QQ,

(I don't understand enough chinese to add anyone, so I'm reliant on curious individuals adding me instead.  This will obviously distort the nature of my anecdotal findings, purely because the type of individual inquisitive enough to add a scary foreigner will have had a different upbringing and psychology to someone who doesn't.  I only mention this, because it's good practice to be aware of limitations of interpretation throughout.  This is something traditional media conveniently forgets, by the way.)

a large number of china related questions.  Things such as, 'do you like china?'  And, 'do you think Tibet should be separated from china?'  Any number of things.  Out of the 100+ people who've added me; I've found that roughly zero have ever said anything remotely negative about china.

Anyway, I bring this up now because someone recently added me; and when confronted with the question of whether he liked china, (and some subsequent to-and-fro) he produced this:


'China's modern history is a history of humiliation. The Chinese people bullied by foreigners. Communist Party of China led the Chinese people defeated the aggressors and the Communist Party of China to the Chinese people have been bullied by the end of the day. I love the Chinese Communist Party Communist Party of China also love the Chinese people'


Now; this is quite the line; so I assumed this is an paragraph from a party speech, so inquired as to its' origins.  It transpires that the long pause was him writing and translating this himself.

I was intrigued at this point; so pressed onward.  After asking whether his government would also be capable of lying, I received this response:


'chinese goverment no lies,'


Not surprisingly it turns out that, 'i hate ur goverment,' was to follow this statement.  Having established that this guy loves china, and hates the rest of the world (except america.  This puzzles me enormously, but chinese love america, and hate Europe) he then goes ahead and shows me this video.  It's worth watching, because you have to travel across the pond for this kind of mindless patriotism.  It really is incredible that a human being could come up with it; but then again, it was probably against his wishes.

(I again interject to point out that Europe is the number one purchaser of chinese goods, products and services.  america is a paltry third, behind Japan.  Considering america hates them, and everything they stand for, one would expect a little more hostility.  This isn't the case however, and logic once again deflates in the face of human emotion (see:stupidity))

So having declared china masters of the universe, Tibet rightful property, and all other races (bar america) inferior, he drops this peach into the conversation: 'chinese love peace so china dont take over the world.... All of the world can be happy with life on this earth.... tibet belongs china forever.... The Tibetan people's life is very happy.'

At this point it's merely a pain to raise other factors in this conversation; but I will anyway:


China's modern history is a history of humiliation. The Chinese people bullied by foreigners. Communist Party of China led the Chinese people defeated the aggressors and the Communist Party of China to the Chinese people have been bullied by the end of the day. I love the Chinese Communist Party Communist Party of China also love the Chinese people


'NotAllama  4:24:25 PM
What is that?


itis the truth

Chat logs aren't very interesting, but here's another one anyway:

The Chinese people will always remember that period of humiliating history, so the Chinese people strive to build the motherland, and hope that their country could be more powerful. Only our country strong the Chinese people will not be bullied

When asked whether all chinese people could afford computers he replied:

NotAllama  5:17:34 PM
A computer costs a lot of money
X
no
NotAllama  5:17:47 PM
Yes it does
X
3000RMB
NotAllama  5:17:57 PM
Most chinese people cannot afford a computer!
X
IT IS IMPOSSIBLE
NotAllama  5:18:43 PM
What is impossible?
X
THEY CAN AFFORD A COMPUTER
NotAllama  5:20:49 PM
Every chinese person can afford a computer?
X
BUT THEY DONT WANT TO SPEND MONEY IN COMPUTER
X
NO
X
MOST OF CHINESE CAN AFFORD IT'



These ravings are uncommon in my experience, but are representative of the general blind faith.  Who needs religion?

It later transpired that he was, in fact, a she; studying politics at university, readying to become a fledgling member of the government.  The adage 'start them young,' has never seen a more appropriate usage...

Laugh or cry, it will be decades before some semblence of rationality is brought to those shores; I just hope I can visit someday, and escape with my life!

(I fully understand the chinese secret police will now murder me in my sleep; or simply ban me from entering the country)

Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Compilation Post!

The excitement of my life is lacking to the point of requiring a compilation of ideas in order to create a single entry into this diary.

I'm going to follow a television news style approach to proceedings, by retelling the terrifying news first, then then light-hearted feel-good story last.

A small car nearly piled into the back of us today; on icy roads.  The lane we were travelling down had a closed intersection, due to another accident.  The cross-roads had a lot of standing water, frozen over by the sub-zero temperatures.  The guy behind was following rather close, and as we weighed anchors he went sailing past.  His proximity to us meant he had no way of stopping, with or without ice.

We were the only two cars on the road for approximately ten minutes in any direction.  His need to follow so closely derives purely from?  Who knows.  My guess is:  He was afraid of the dark.

It wouldn't have been a life-threatening crash, nor even a bone threatening one; but it would have hurt.  Thinking back to the times when I've drowned, ridden my bicycle into static objects (like the ground) and been valiantly dismounted by other motorists; I've pushed the boundaries of luck rather far.

Of course ultimately it doesn't  matter in the slightest, because I'm never going to die, and come dangerous driving or severe lack of breathable atmosphere, nothing will change that.

In the lighter news category:


This is one of the things I love about keeping in touch with people you're not going to see for a long time.  And keeping in touch with them properly.



I'm pretty sure this little guys' name is Ringo.  Pronounced in Japanese that would approximate to 'lingo,' and I've no idea whether they're Beatles fans, before you ask.  Was Ringo Star the Beatles?  I've no idea.  I've no care for pop-culture, and just because it's fifty year old pop-culture trivia doesn't give it an automatic pass into my brain.

Why is the liquid inside green?  It might be the light; although I've a suspicion that it might be bathing in Ocha, which is green tea to you or I.  Quick, hide this video from the RSPCA!  (I doubt they have a Japan chapter, thankfully.)

Thursday, 21 January 2010

Somewhat Busy, but not Too Much So...

I've nothing to write about really, other than the film I recently watched and fell in love with all over again.

The director; Danny Boyle, preluded the film with an introduction commenting on the general process involved in making 'Sunshine.'  He likened the process to a more realistic take on science fiction, akin to the original Aliens, and I would draw a direct comparison with 'Event Horizon,' one of my favourite films.  The premise is that the sun is dying and a crew of eight are shepherding a small planetoid sized bomb to the sun, in order to get the old girl started again.

Where this film immediately differs from contemporary sci-fi, is the non-reliance on lengthy, drawn out scenes upon which premises are built.  The opening scene establishes all that need be known about the film, without a single line of dialogue.  Ultimately, the film is as much a cabin-fever story set in space, as a race to restart the sun.  As with all films set in tight quarters, the cast do not so much create the atmosphere through which the film runs; they are the atmosphere, and the tension, and everything between.  As such, the cast excel in all areas.  I particularly enjoyed the lead, acted by the exceptional main man in '28 Days Later,' Cillian Murphy (another exceptional film by the same director, and an actor/director partnership of significance) but I also enjoyed the earthmother character, Michelle Yeoh (real name Yang Zi Chong) who also performed in 'Far North.'  The characters were poles apart (sic) and yet similar in their protective roles.  She is responsible for ensuring crew survival by keeping a botanical section thriving, keeping oxygen supplies refreshed.  In Far North her role is mentor, protector and leader of a two woman tribe in the snowy wastes.  Indeed, her final act as Corazon is to craddle a new shoot, grown from the ashes and ruins of her botanical bay.  The symbolic significance is obvious, but her significance throughout is the very thing that means I've not seen her mentioned anywhere else:  Her lack of imposition within each scene.  She represents humanity and ultimately life, and her disappearing into the shadows mirrors the crews' demise.


The deeper the crew fall, the further away she seems.  Only when balance is restored, is her screen time and ultimately, her significance restored.


Another standout performance that's not been recognised (as far as I can tell) is that of the ships' counselor.  Unfortunately he dies quite early, however his job is shown to be exceptionally complicated after afray on the flight deck.  His character is akin to Icarus; he flies dangerously close to the feverish insanity that's prevalent in these conditions, and overcomes problems by confronting them with his own feverish mentality.


Cliff Curtis is the actor who performs the maniacal balancing act, threading between sanity and insanity.


The clever use of CGI ensures this film won't age like 'Avatar,' or other special effects laden nonsense; because the special effects are used in a minimalistic way that never impose, and will never be subject to full scrutiny by the viewer.


Overall, this film is on-par with Event Horizon, and scores 9.5 out of a possible 9.5.

Friday, 15 January 2010

I came, I saw, I took a Few Photographs



So I headed to a relatively cold part of Europe for my latest trip.  I would call it an adventure, but it was short, and city bound; therefore disqualifying itself from such high praise.

It was a really fun trip however, and the biggest surprise to me was how taken aback I was by the general surroundings in which the average Berlin-bound German finds themselves.  When you think of Rome you think ancient buildings; when you think of Paris, romance and the champs elysees spring forth.  When you think of Berlin though, what exactly comes to mind?

For me, before I went, it was sausages and a couple of sights I'd seen on television.  What awaited me was something entirely unexpected however, as Berlin has some absolutely fantastic buildings, a plethora of statues, adorning even the most unassuming buildings, most of which are held together by some breathtaking modern design that is unique to Berlin.  I've never seen such a clever, well realised visual aesthetic in a city, and I doubt there is anywhere quite like it.

Like all cities it sprawls somewhat, and journeys can be exhausting (unless all direction finding is done by another, as was the case this time) because of the confused, mix and match nature of underground and bus systems; but the attention to detail in building and design goes beyond anything I've ever seen.  It must be a compulsion among the architects living there because, frankly, only an obsessive mind could create a cityscape like Berlin.

As with all modern design built around the old, personal preference becomes extremely important.  I found a few of the buildings to stand stark against the established order of a street, and while it's obvious that was planned from the outset, they felt a little forced.  Designing a fantastical building for the sake of designing a fantastical building may be the ultimate dream for any architect, but at some stage another set of eyes must rein them in.

Ultimately, the fact these people are allowed to exercise such flair in design means you will have a fantastic city, and because I or a few individuals dislike one or two buildings, it's a small price to pay in the grand scheme.  No one will like everything, but to be timid about things will end up creating a space like London, where everyones' dislikes are kept to a minimum, but no one actually enjoys the city as a piece of art.

Even though the gherkin is a hideous monster, it was an effort to do something interesting and moder inbetween all the historical sites.



Is this thing ugly?  Definitely.  Is there a reason for it to exist?  No.

But they tried, and where I don't like this one I enjoyed plenty of other objects.














There was a Veyron shell in one of the shop windows; an opportunity too good to miss.

What you don't expect when you see it on television is that it's small.  A lot smaller than you'd expect it to be.







Checkpoint Charlie.  It's amazing how ingrained the divide still in within Berlin.  Everything has some kind of reference to the wall, and what it represents; even if there is seemingly no link.  Pieces of the wall crop up everywhere, and are preserved along with an explanation of why that particular piece was saved, and a short history of the area in which it's found.

In terms of tourism, the thematic link between each piece gives a structure to the area that is quite unique.



This is the view from a famous bridge, the name of which I forget, but it did give an interesting view over the water.

The city is still surprisingly industrial, among the buildings.  It also has a ceiling the likes of which other cities don't, as everything seems to reach x storeys in height, and very few buildings breach that rule.




Just a random modern building.

This is to the left of the bridge, the building above is to the right.  They're essentially neighbors overlooking each other, but they don't clash, somehow.













This is the bode-museum.  One thing I noticed about the abundance of olde-worlde statues was their reliance on ancient mythology, and the relative violence of each depiction.  Every person was cowering, being impaled, or in a group of people impaling something heroic looking (a great serpent or buffalo for example).  The gods themselves were throwing thunderbolts, or looking menacing.  Benevolence is something they're not familiar with, evidently.











This is the same museum, with the name handily drawn across the top.

Notice the statues adoring the roof, looking imposing and menacing.








A long shot of a statue, typical of anywhere in this city.  Just the fact that these things are everywhere gives the city character.
















This is one of the few archways dotted throughout the city designed in a Classical style.  There are some apocalyptic horses and someone in a chariot steering them along.

If the rest of the city is anything to go by; the driver is probably heading to chop up some people.  He's a winged driver to boot.












The side of the reichstag.  We went into the reichstag to check out the viewing platform; but in order to get into the building a number of security checks must be carried out.

There were double doors enclosing a chamber, into which a group walks, the doors behind close, then, when a number of individuals (with one hand under the table, presumably on a weapon of some kind) deem the group fit, the front doors are opened and everyone files through the typical assortment of metal detectors and body scanners.









This is the front of the reichstag.

Their parliament sit in a circle, knights of the round table style.  You can see the actual room of action from the entrance, but it's behind eight inches of bullet/bomb/car/plane/superman proof glass.







Norman Foster designed the viewing platform as seen here.  The middle column reflects an image, through dozens of mirrors, all the way from the main parliament building.  When their leaders sit down and do their stuff you could, presumably, watch a horribly distorted top-down view of the action from up here.













Parts of the wall, with their historical significance printed to the sides.

All the graffiti is still there, as it's as much a part of the wall as the concrete.

It's absolutely impossible to imagine the wall, and the two different halves of the city, as they were.





These are right behind the pieces of wall, and are indicative of what I was talking about the mix of old and new.  The pieces of wall are surrounded by acres of glass.  Plus these buildings look awesome.















Rewind.

Another picture from inside the reichstag viewing platform.

It's all very artsy, and while I didn't particularly enjoy these grills (comprising around 10-15% of the inside dome walkway) they framed the rest of the dome perfectly.




Fast forward.

Next to the train station, the kind of modern architecture I particularly enjoy.









One of the best group of buildings were the Sony headquarters.

The roof is fabric, and suspended atop a large number of tall buildings.

It looks like an inverted satellite dish.














The final picture.  The other few days are hidden away on the camera, out of my possession, so maybe I'll get my hand on it in the future.















As it wasn't my camera, I was sharing with the person I went with.  Obviously then, the good photographs are mine, all the others are hers.

Thursday, 7 January 2010

Germany いきましょ!

I think the title of this post means, 'Let's go to Germany!'  Germany, by the way, is: ドイツ。I think....

So I'm (hopefully) heading towards the land of litre-beer and sausages soon, in order to gain some insight into what makes the single largest portion of the EU economy tick.

Ok enough joking, I'm just going there to have a nose around, check out some museums, and eat some sausages.  Hopefully I'll be able to take some good pictures too; but there's no real guarantee about that.  Come to think of it, maybe that's what separates a good photographer from me - the knowledge that at any given moment a good picture will be taken, no matter the circumstances or situation.

What things are there to see in Berlin?  It's only a short stay of a few days, so I guess we can't duck and dive through the undergrowth, hoping to come across something good, a planned approach is necessary.

Any ideas, internet?

And here, without further ado, is stalking cat 2: Hi-Def.

P.S  This is the first hi-def youtube video that's actually worthy of the title of 'hi-def.'  I'm reliably informed that this is due to reasons of a source nature, that is to say; while many cameras will shoot at a higher resolution, they sacrifice picture quality to do so.  Being Japanese, the camera this guy is using is probably a few years from market here, so this is the future!  Revel in its' glory.

Monday, 4 January 2010

Trade Agreements

A deal struck a few years ago, affecting some 2 billion people, came into effect on the first of this month.  I've not heard anything about it in the news, so here's a little investigative journalism of my own.

It's a deal between a large number of Asian countries, reducing trade tariffs on select goods, in order to promote trade between them.  Much like the EU, it's designed to increase the competitiveness of the area as a whole, and therefore benefit individual members.

The different approaches to world domination seem to strike an interesting comparison.  america bullies everyone, invading anyone who has anything of value.

The EU tries to be the friend of everyone, with no clearly defined leadership (the epitome of democracy, with all the benefits and flaws that brings) while this new 'alliance' of sorts takes a communist approach to EU style trade wrangling.  That is to say, do what china tells you.

"The average tariff rate on Chinese goods sold in ASEAN countries decreased from 12.8 to 0.6 percent on 1 January 2010 pending implementation of the free trade area by the remaining ASEAN members. Meanwhile, the average tariff rate on ASEAN goods sold in China decreased from 9.8 to 0.1 percent."


This means that china gets everything for .1% of previous prices, while charging .6% of previous prices.  So while they still threaten other countries with force, as america does, they also screw other countries over financially, as america also does.  Who knew communism and capitalism were so similar.  It's also interesting to note that china always had a sweet deal.


It begs the question 'why?' though, because china is only a decade away from being the most powerful country in the world, and no one will stop them; so why bother striking up these deals?  Presumably the money they lose in these deals goes towards securing their neighbouring countries favour.  I doubt the likes of Vietnam could hate the americans any more though, so it all seems rather pointless from a chinese perspective.


One final tidbit:  The ten largest economies in the world, in their relative positions.



Will everyone please now realise how insignificant England is in terms of the world; but how important the EU really is.


The reason why we get crappy laws implemented unto us by the EU is because we are unimportant.  Realise this.

Sunday, 3 January 2010

End of Year Tops

So far I've resisted the temptation to draw up a top 'X' list of what's passed; but now have succumbed due to the brainwashing power of television.  I watched a 'top 100' list of youtube videos on the gogglebox.

They got it all wrong of course, showing a few of the good videos, but misplacing importance and, therefore, numerical rankings.

So, here is my Top 'X' (the final number is subject to change.)

Although no numbers will be assigned, the last video will be the absolute, no questions asked, best youtube video of the moment.

Due to the transient nature of the youtube 'scene,' it will only be the best at the time of publishing, not a second after.  Get used to it, the internet changes quickly!

First up, we have:



Jeremy Clarkson beatbox.  'Swedemason,' secretary of the Swedish chapter of our very own freemasons, presumably, has taken a vast number of clips and soundbytes, and spliced them together with an attention to detail that screams: 'Obsessive compulsive disorder.'  However - to create something that can even be considered music, and I do consider it so, from the inane ramblings of Mr. Clarkson, is a feat of patience and genius.  Good job.

Considering this is a family-friendly top 'X' I am sticking with the cutesy videos.  In that vein, there is this:



It was a close call between the video above, and this: Link.  I chose the one above because it's a genuine youtube, and therefore internet, breakthrough; whereas I suspect the linked clip to be taken from a 'you've been framed' style show.

Another cat that does deserve a mention however is this Japanese one.  From the land of ninjas I present to you:



I think this cats' name is Daruma.  A daruma is this.  You paint one eye before the new year, and then the other on new year for good luck... Or something like that anyway.  I can't remember the dates and whatnot.

Anyway; ninja cat.  Awesome.  Enough with cats now!

This next clip isn't; it's a genre.  The genre in question is the overexploited category of 'crazy Japanese gameshows.'  Producers and writers in the West are notorious for their chronic cranial malady, and this produces a lack of creativity, inspiration, energy, drama and so on.  This leads to the pathetic televisual experience we now have.

The very few things that are worth watching, however, can be traced directly from the above genre.  And now the videos.  In order to demonstrate the genre to its' best, a few different videos are required.  Remember, this is merely the tip of the iceberg.  (I realise these clips may or may not be thought up in the land of the rising (I've genuinely no idea whether they were) but I have an affinity for that area, so let's pretend they were.  Plus the Japanese have a reputation for this kind of thing, and one must earn any reputation.)



The precursor to our own 'hole in the wall.'  No adlib dubbing from Craig Charles is necessary.

For the next clip, they're wearing binoculars...



This.  Is.  Genius.  This is, literally, wet your pants funny.  And I think everyone will agree.  It's not often you get to watch something this funny, and the whole family can watch, appreciate, and enjoy the humour in it.

In this next clip let me forewarn you:  They all run like uncoordinated fools.  And that is how the average Japanese person actually runs, I've witnessed 'the platform run,' several times!



Ok, so this next one doesn't really need introducing, but I will anyway.  Japanese gameshows have their own subgenres, such is the volume, they need subdividing and classifying.

This falls into the ever popular - 'laugh and get a forfeit, don't laugh and get cake,' sub-genre.  The forfeit is usually extremely painful, and, depending on the time the show is aired, may or may not result in groin based pain.



This next video.  Still on the Japanese gameshow theme.  Think a light-hearted version of the Johnny Knoxville classic.  Chicken or the egg?



This next clip.  Yeah...  It's brilliant, but I'm not going to introduce it; self-titling removes the need for any introduction.



It's when he arm swings straight through and only clips them.  That's got to hurt.  That's got to hurt like nothing else in the world.

The next clip demonstrates why Japan so desperately needs English teachers.



Why didn't they hit the guy who screwed up?  Oh that's right, it's ok to screw up, but don't laugh at him!

One of the many similarities between our countries:  Men dress up as women a lot on television, yet no one asks why.


Ok.  Moving further down (or up, depending on whether you live in the southern hemisphere) the list; the two chinese students, who, bored one day; mimed the backstreet boys.  They gained infamy in china, and commercial success, with adverts and sponsorship.  Considering the extremely tight communist control in that country it's amazing.  Chinese people can't even watch youtube!  It's restricted from within the mainland!  How did these guys get so famous?  Probably a youtube style ripoff hosted within the borders.  Anyway; the guy in the background is playing counterstrike, (version 1.6 (oldschool)) and was implemented to create a 'living background,' instead of just a static background.  In the outtakes, in case you can't read chinese, someone knocks on the door asking for a towel or something, one of them misses his cues, and something else happens.  I forgot what though.



They do a rendition of a popular chinese song, where the leading lady is dying from a terminal illness.  In the original video she has a nosebleed that is faithfully recreated using ketchup.  The out-takes are something else entirely for that video.

I was going to finish this today, but it's late and I want to head to bed, so I'll upload the absolute, unquestionable number one at a later date.