Speech Contest and Photographs

So I've been given homework for the break.  I've got to read around 150 speech contest scripts and 'understand what level the students are at.'  I assume I will be judging the students at some point, and along with the other English teacher, I will basically decide who will represent our school at the competition.  I don't know what 'the competition,' is yet, but I assume there will be one.

Now, to put these entries into a semblence of context, 99% of these kids can't say 'my name is ...'  Those who can, only respond 'Bob,' or 'John,' when asked their names.  The level of English is around the same level as sub-Saharan tribes who have never encountered a European before.

Actually, that might be a little kind.

The level of English here is one below the tribesmen.

Therefore it makes me laugh when I see a script that has the following:

'Recently I hurt my shoulder.  While it was healing, I couldn't throw at all, so it was very hard for me.  But now that it has healed, I'm so happy to again be able to throw until my heart's content.'

Idioms and all!

If you think I'm being particularly biased, and merely showing the single best example, this is the first page of 150.  They're all pretty much the same.

I won't bore you with more contestants, but some of them are actually pretty interesting.  One kid talks about his/her parents divorce (I know, DEEP right?), one kid talks about going to Manchester to study music.  One kid talks about global warming, and gets all his facts wrong (which made me laugh, I must amit.)  For example, the earth will run out of oil in ten years, apparently.

Oh Japan, up to your old tricks again.

That aside, I'm halfway through them and haven't reached the second or third year entries yet.  This is at the middle school level, and I expect a commensurate improvement with age.  By the third years I expect quotes from Shakespeare and Marlowe.

Don't make me angry.  You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

So the school commissioned a few photographs a while ago.  A man with an extremely expensive camera turned up, and these are the photographs we get.  What's the point?

Anyway, click the image and it will give you a full sized picture.  It's 5 megs, so it'll take a while before the picture appears fully.

The reason why I have such a low brow?  It was 30+ degrees, and we were looking directly into the sun.  To top it off, the guy with the extremely expensive camera also had a flash, which was promptly administered on every photograph.  The reason for this, bearing in mind nothing was illuminated by the flash (except the retinas of everyone there) is something of a mystery.

I must prepare you for this next photograph; it's the best picture you will ever see of another human being.  It really is.

It's also why I hate having pictures taken of me.

Without further ado:

No, no I am not.  Can we take that one again from the other side?

So what made me laugh, aside from my hair, my face, my eyes, my glasses and my demeanor - was the fact that the gym teacher, with whom I have an unspoken rivalry regarding such things as manliness and strength, was placed next to me in this header.

Jesus, the more I look at that picture the more queasy I feel.

That's all for today, feel free to tell me exactly what I look like in the comments...

Finally, Some News

Before we start, the song I couldn't think of last time was Blurs - Park Life.  Thanks for the comments.

Unfortunately, the interesting news is only weather related.  Bummer right?

If you look quickly at this website, you can see the typhoon working its merry way up the country, at a rate of about naff all centimetres an hour.  It's not technically a typhoon, the wind speeds are not high enough.

If you look here, you can see a projected path.  I'm nowhere near the actual storm, I'm just getting the offshoots and flak from the cloud.  If it follows the projected path, I may well encounter some of the fifty knot winds, however.

The reason this is interesting news?  I was awoken at 4 AM by the lightning preceding the storm.  It wasn't quite raining yet, but the storm was brewing nicely.

A prototypical European high energy thunderstorm would contain a large number of flashes, with extremely loud bangs over the course of a short period of time.  The rain would also follow a similar pattern, with heavy rainfall in short bursts.

The lightning here follows the pattern of - mayhem, followed by deafening noise and a helping of terror.  The peal that woke me up had a three or four second delay between the flash and bang.  The flash woke me up, with my curtains drawn.  The thunder shook the house.

In all honesty, I thought something had exploded, because nothing else happened for about thirty seconds.  By this time I was in the kitchen getting a drink.

Then, out of nowhere, god defibrillated Tochigi.  This bang had a simultaneous lightning strike and thundering explosion.  My intestines shook and my ears were ringing.  At this point I shat my pants,  I don't mind admitting as much, and as I opened the window to take a look outside (risking the obvious association with metal) the hairs on my arms stood up.  It must have been exceedingly close, although I'll never know exactly where it struck.

If someone was struck in this storm, you wouldn't even know - they'd be vaporised.

So after a few more strikes some miles away, I went back to sleep.  At this point it was raining quite heavily.

After the alarm woke me up, I could hear the rain pouring down.  It had presumably rained non-stop since I went to bed, and it showed as I cycled to work.  After donning as much waterproof gear as possible, I cycled through foot-high waters, being drenched by every passing car.  They don't slow down or stop for individuals on the pavement or riding their bikes.  Mannered people, indeed.

So the upshot is that, despite the best efforts of the Japanese people, I'm quite dry.  Except for my socks, which I've been forced to take off.  I didn't think far enough ahead to bring a spare pair with me.  Also, their play area (I would call it a field, except there's no grass) is under a few inches of water right now.  When do these people close schools?

I can't imagine all the trains will be running, this preponderance of weather would halt even an English train!  Wait, our trains are notoriously hardy right?

Spare a though for the guys working at fukushima, not only are they killing themselves, but now they're doing it in the rain too.  (At least it's still 30 deg C, at basically 99% humidity, eh?)

P.s  I've just read this article about a publication being made/not made public, regarding the RFU.  Someone fill me in, what happened to make the report necessary in the first place?

BBC Bumper Edition

There's not much happening in Japan at the moment.  A couple of festivals I can't get to, a long weekend coming up - school nearly being finished for the term.

Therefore I've compiled a list of interesting BBC articles.

There's been a definite trend towards the English language as of late, and generally remarking on how the entire country will soon fall apart due to ipromper sellping.

This article from the BBC warns us that improper spelling will bankrupt the country, while this one reads like an angry oxbridge consultant, on the cusp insanity.  It starts reasonably, citing the long and varied history English cross-pollination, even saying it was necessary for English to become dominant.  Then he undermines it all by listing his own most hated words.

Then we walk away from the stupid, to the sublime.  I consider myself a member of the Jedi Order, so this pastafarian is as close to religious brethren as I will get.  Consider it stupid, but it's a fantastic expose of the ridiculous laws that pervade government institutions, and what constitutes rights for religious means.

It's a bit of a rubbish pasta strainer thing though - he should at least buy a chrome one for next time.  'Pimp,' it out a little.

This article is of a more practical vein, along the lines of the typical pub question, 'if a lift is falling, and you jump just before it lands, would you live?'  More accurately, the preceding question would be a statement in a pub, as alcohol not only clouds our judgement, but also our judgement, and it also clouds our judgement, and our minds. (sic)

A few coffees later and we would obviously see that, unless you are able to jump upwards at eighty miles per hour, you would die in an elevator.

If you're catching a baby, adhere to the principles of a wicky or goalie; apparently.  However, when it says you should fall while catching the baby, I can only assume it does not mean fall alongside the baby from the same height, while attempting to catch it.

I have attached a helpful picture to illustrate the correct catching technique.

Not to scale.  Any similarity to events past, present or future is entirely intentional, and you may experience epilepsy if viewed for too long.  Also, don't try this at home.

This is the extent of my artistic talent.

Then, there was an earthquake.  It caused quite a stir in the channel (sic) and will be remember for generations.  At least generations of haddock, of which there are none, so therefore it will not be remembered.  Confusing stuff.

A lot of expats always joke about how the quakes in England are pretty pathetic in comparison - but I feel they forget what life was like before they came to Japan.  If you were a caveman, you would crap your pants if you saw a car drive past.  (In this analogy, England is a caveman, and earthquakes are cars.)  I'm sure the first earthquake in Japan is a freaky event for everyone (it was for me.)

Then, finally, we come to the crux of my article.  The above is mere pre-amble for this article.  Fat fucks have yet another reason to continue being fat.  It's genetic, apparently.  And now we have a reason to be content that only westerners are fat.

It's not because we eat 60% of the worlds food between 15% of its population.  No, of course not.  It's not because we drink more beer than satan.  No, it's not that either.

It's not the fact that the population of England is comparable to a coma patient - we exercise our minds and muscles equally.

No, it's genetics.

Let's ignore the fact that England was not this fat forty years ago, or even thirty.  Let's ignore the fact that England gets fatter every day.

It's genetics.

I don't doubt that a very few people do indeed have problems.  Fat people have been a part of society for centuries, they're the well-fed friars, or Santa.  What they have not been, prior to the 21st century, is every goddamned person on the street.  Unless we have been genetically modified in one generation by a group of nefarious aliens to all be useless fat sacks, I can comfortably say that the real problem is not one of scientific pontification.

In the words of Oasis? (I can't remember the name of the band.)

GET SOME EXERCISE.

P.s  Plus one internet for whomever figures out the name of the song and band.  Three words, a billion songs. The challenge has been set.

Also:

GET SOME EXERCISE

P.P.s  I don't dislike fat people if they're A: happy and not shoving their fatness in my face (ala the BBC picture) or B:  Trying to lose weight.  (I mean actually trying.)

The Art of Selfishness

This article from the BBC pointed towards something unintended.  The tradition in all Asian countries, has been for the subsequent members of family to provide for their elders.  They don't have pensions, banking interest rates are measured in fractions of a percent, and general wealth has been hard to come by.

Japan has bucked this trend recently, with its' declining population and relative wealth, they do the western thing of providing for themselves with pensions, savings and occasional part-time work.

Watch the article and you'll see that china is still some way behind in this respect.  The guy speaking ends his part by saying 'it will be difficult for him [the lone male child] to provide for the six of us.'

Now, when you are so selfish as to expect the child to provide for six people, without even considering the child in question, something must be inherently wrong.  In fact, expectation is the wrong feeling.  It's not really expected that he will do this; he will do it.  It transcends expectation because there is an element of doubt related to expectation.  It's a certainty in the mind of this man.  When you elevate selfishness to the realm of certainty without reprisal, you have created an art form.  Truly.

Poor kid.

Then again, the 'little emporer,' syndrome they talk about lives true and well within all of china.

Having met and spoken with a ton of the wealthiest 'little emporers,' in university, I can honestly say they can be obnoxious.  This is not to say people with brothers and sisters can't be foul, obviously this is not the case - I just feel that this particular breed of chinese (dedicated to pouring their entire being into the new generation) has created a number of monsters.  Just look at me as a prime example of the western equivalent (a term I'm now coining 'little king.') and become afraid.  There is only one of me, but there are billions of them.

Time to get out of here before they all grow up and move abroad!



In other news:  UK terror threat level has been downgraded from 'kiss your ass goodbye,' to 'rip your own eyeballs out, it'll be easier for you when they come and start shooting children.'

If you have any fears over your safety in the UK, just watch James Bond - he is badass.

Also, grow up.

One last thing about the terror warnings - they only ever raise them to the highest level after an attack has occurred, rendering all the 'I urge civilians to be cautious and alert,' bullshit moot, as we should have been alert prior to the bombing.  Not after.  Not exactly rocket scientist material heading government anti-terror units these days.  That in itself is more a cause for concern than any fictitious terrorists.


On an unrelated note, I just visited a class for lunch (every day I have to eat lunch with a class.  This is probably why I've lost weight.  I just want to eat lunch quietly without seeing filthy children vomiting and spitting food at each other and flinging poo around like monkeys.  It's disgusting.) and saw a kid eat his meal like a gannet.  An otherwise impressive feat, it was somewhat disturbing for me to realise that all the kids were eating like that.  It must be a fad or something.  Literally no chewing occurred.

Then again, contrary to popular belief, Japanese people do not possess table manners.  Sure, they kneel down and bow, say prayers of thank you (more on the prayers at a later date) before and after meals, and keenly observe proper chopstick etiquette - but once those formalities are overcome, it's all hands to the troughs.  To see grown men, holding their chopsticks perfectly, dive head first into their bowls of food without using their hands is quite something.  They can go through whole meals without actually using their perfected chopstick techniques, instead preferring the animalistic approach.  Once they have finished troughing, they observe the etiquette laden formality of life once again.

Their children are umpteen times more disgusting to watch eating.

This is of course not to disparage all Japanese people.  I find the women eat in a way that isn't fear-inducing, and some men are tolerable.

This is also coming from the only human being on the planet who feels that meal times are much better alone than shared with another, however, so my views may well be biased on this front.

P.s I just read a ten minute long back and forth internet flame war, arguing which is better: Western music or Eastern music.  Not to put too fine a point on matters, while every country has patriots, Korea and Japan have attracted the anti-patriot.  The 'weaboo,' is a common internet species, who think they're Japanese or Korean (the 'or Korean,' part is still yet to be added to the definition, but it's not long before it happens) despite being 14th generation English, French, German, Dutch or American - and never having left their parents' metaphorical or literal basement.

As such, the defence for the East-Asian music went thusly (to paraphrase): Western music is shit.

The rebuttal was: Japanese and Korean music is equally shit, except there is no variation that allows for the occasional breakthrough artist, or that caters for individual tastes.

The rebuttal is entirely correct.  The only music in Japan is pop music.  It's so generic, people have created computer programs that produce music indistinguishable from 'real,' music.  I recently told the rugby guys that I like a Japanese rock band called 'maximum the hormone,' (another example of why Japan really needs to start taking English language teaching seriously) and they said, 'that's a bit weird.'  They also advised me against telling any women that I like them, in case they thought I was weird too.

They're genuinely awesome, but they're not pop - in essence the reason why the West is better isn't the overall quality of music, (huge swathes of stuff produced in the West is dire, let's be honest) it's the fact that there is no music catering to differing tastes.  If you don't like whiny, nasal pop, you're SOL (something out of luck) in Japan.

Unless you have the internet.

The internet beats the wheel as the best invention ever.

Using the above statement, begin a new flamewar at your own behest.

Favourite Quotes

"Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers." 


— Socrates

This made me laugh because of the obvious parallels with modern life, and the fact that life is always more terrible and dangerous now than it was 'when I were a lad.'

Of course England is safer now than it was fifty years ago, but let's forget that for now.

Anyway, I just administered about thirty students worth of speaking tests for a class.  Let me put it this way, if they were stranded in England, they would be dead in under a week.  'What's your name?'

Student 1:  'uhm.'
Student 2:  'ah.'
Student 3:  'hmmm.'
Student 4:  'Like tomato.'
Student 5:  'sah ne.'

Generally, I am not surprised.  Disappointed, but not surprised.

Then again, I should probably record some of these and have awesome quotes for the future.

Humanely Culling Shit Teachers

So I work with twenty one Japanese teachers (not including the brass).  That's a lot of teachers, and I feel it gives me a rather intimate view of teaching (particularly of elementary schools) within Japan.

I can honestly say, most are well-suited to the job.  Those who are not well-suited, often try their hardest to make up for their obvious lack of ability.  There is a fifth year class, whose teacher is the biggest pushover I've ever seen.  The upshot?  His class, (yes his) is one of the worst behaved in the school.  He has been trying to reign them back in, however, and they have started to improve.  He has two troublemakers, one of whom will be imprisoned within the next five years.  Again, to point out the obvious, why is he in a comprehensive school?  Obviously no one wants a world like the Batman metropolis (comic nerds, metropolis in this instance does not have a capital letter, so it's used as a generic term for big cities, not Supermans home.  Sheesh.) where all the master criminals are locked up in Arkham Asylum, free to plot the destruction of mankind.  Then again, no one wants a world where Two-face runs amok through the city either.  The solution?  Stop them from turning into supervillains, and catch them when they're young.  Get to work, Japan.

Anyway, this pushover teacher is working his hardest, and he is a nice, if aloof guy.

What sparked this writing, is a class I recently finished.  Basically, the fourth grade teachers are the worst in the school.  They're callous, uncaring sub-humans (with the exception of one, who is just stupid) who have no right being teachers.  Unusually, there are three of them.  The fourth grade had a particularly large turnout for whatever reason, so instead of splitting the year in two, they divvied into threes.  This had the effect of making each fourth year class relatively small (see: extremely small by Japanese standards) and I think, as a result, they've put the worst teachers into the classrooms with the smallest numbers of children.  This is purely speculative, but they are truly terrible teachers, and I can't fathom a reason for them all to be in the same year.  It could be coincidence, but on this large a scale?  I don't think so.

Anyway, I taught two of these classes today.  The first is the class of a chronic lifetime failure, whose only interest is in not doing anything.  The other teachers help in whatever way they can - be it the occasional disciplinary action, helping individual kids with pronunciation; generally being useful.  This guy sits around on his chair staring blankly out of the window, until the time is up.  Then he jumps up and starts talking over me in Japanese.  At this point I have to assume that's the end of the lesson, and leave.  He doesn't help me take my shit off the blackboard, he doesn't let the kids do the same (which is customary in Japan, as certain students are assigned to such duties) and he doesn't say thank you or goodbye.  He is, in essence, a waste of human life.

The second teacher, however, is more than that.  She is malicious.  She has an acutely disabled student in the form of a girl who can't really control herself.  She occasionally squeels, always laughs and generally acts as any non-violent disabled student would.  She is also the only happy kid in the class, and she always runs up to me and pushes me around, pushing me to the front of the class at the beginning, pushing me up and down the isles when I'm engaging kids individually, generally being a pleasant distraction from the blank faces I'm greeted with normally.

How she is still happy, is beyond my imagining.  The other kids don't understand that she's different, so when she squeels they tell her to shut up.  When she stands up, they physically push her back down.  They bully her, and the teacher encourages it.  When a kid shouts at her, she says in Japanese, 'listen to blah blah, he is quiet.'  Far be it from me to dissuade such destructive, tortuous behaviour, but when the teacher starts manhandling said disabled kid because she won't sit down, you have to start looking at alternatives for that individual.  For example, prison for the teacher, and a special school for the kid.

Why do I have such a downer on this particular teacher?  Today, before class started, I told her 'wow Japan sure is hot,' in the kind of colloquial shallow way that indicates my tolerance of your existence, but nothing more.  So she closes all the windows and doors, so there's no breeze.

Upon explaining a particularly challenging grammar point, the kids are failing to understand.  To expedite matters I ask the teacher to explain in Japanese (something they are wont to do in all circumstances, requested, required or superfluous, as the case may be) to which she replies - 'this is English class.'  After finally getting the kids to understand the point, some ten minutes later (sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and grind your way through a grammar point) she stands up, and in Japanese, explains what I just said.  It took her fifteen seconds.  Then she starts giving out instructions in Japanese.

I tell her that the class is too noisy, and I'm losing my voice because I'm shouting too much.  She replies in Japanese, sorry, I don't understand what you are saying.  She then eggs the class on during a game to make them produce more noise, and make it more difficult for me to quiet them down.  When I am trying to quiet them, she talks to groups of students, diverting class attention and ensuring the noise takes an extra minute to die off.

I can only think an american naval officer did something terrible to her family, for her to have so much hate for foreigners.

P.s   To bring balance to the force - next week I'm working with one of the nicest teachers on this earth, so, if I remember, I will write about how awesome she is.

You Gotta Get Up

Welcome to the annual music choice awards.

Wait, what?

So the teachers have been asked (at gunpoint) to select their favourite songs, to then be played at lunchtime for all the children to listen to.  This is a vain attempt at staving lunacy, and one I fear will not work.

To put some perspective on matters, every school in Japan is identical.  The buildings are identical, the classrooms are identical, the teachers are identical, the subject matter for every discipline is identical between schools, there is no variation.  Continuing this theme, every day a jingle is played while eating lunch.  The word jingle doesn't convey the filthy sweetness that pervades every note.  I have cavities from merely listening to this shit.  The number of italicised words in the preceding sentences serves to illustrate how much I loathe this act of insanity, and how much it destroys the soul.

At this stage, I feel it worth noting that I work with two very elderly teachers, employed in an advisory capacity (ala american military speak).  One is/was an English teacher, the other a scientist.  They are both completely indoctrinated in the world of schools and education.  I suspect, without asking, that their entire lives have been spent in such formalised settings - seemingly without a glimpse at the outside world.

When the bell rings, they instinctively stand up and do something, whether it be cleaning or bowing, they have cornered the market in instinctive Pavlov reaction.  The thing that I find curious is the evident lack of immediate reward.  The dog received food and a test tube in the gob, what do these guys get?

They have even been trained to sit on the floor with the kids, come cleaning time.  Now, ordinary teachers don't partake in that nonsense, so this pair are obviously seen as being less important than the 'real,' teachers. In an interesting foot-note, the principal teacher of the third years wanted me to sit on the floor with the kids, while he lorded over us.  I flatly refused, which has caused polite ructions between us.  I asked all the English speaking teachers whether I should sit on the floor with the kids, and they all said it wasn't the done thing, but I could see where pomposity might overtake reason - he has been at a relatively lowly position within the schooling system for his entire life and frustration must be setting in.  A perennially overlooked lower management type, begrudgingly sharing his space with a stupid foreigner who invades my country etc.  At least I've had the acknowledgement from other Japanese teachers that he's a dick.  So it's not just me.

Why bring this up?  If someone asked these elderly folks to mop the floor with their teeth, they would.  I think the matrix famed idea of being 'inerged,' in a system is a perfect contemporary comparison to draw.  They have spent their lives ordering and being ordered, and they seem so devoid of life and spark that I am genuinely worried.  Everything about them screams 1984.


It begins with the education system, it continues through their working life, and even into retirement.  Their pop music is the very definition of generic (whether you like it or not, it is empirically impossible to deny that the next song to be released will be as near-identical as it's possible to be to the song on the radio now, without technically infringing on copyrights and patents) with the sound not having changed in over a decade, they all eat watermelons in August, and cold noodles in September (dates pulled from my behind, but the principle holds true) with everyone working in private industry 'enjoying,' mandatory fun drinking sessions called enkai every week.

Even the rebels and societal outcasts dress the same and act the same way.  They drive bikes with open exhausts, or cars without mufflers, or dye their hair red and wear makup if your a man, or none if a woman.  That's it.  That's the extent of rebellion.  It's a socially accepted form of rebellion.

My point in all this?  It's not negative, as it may at first appear.  The simple fact that everyone and everything is the same gives rise to unfathomable opportunity.  It's literally unfathomable for the average Japanese person, because they all conform.

Opportunity how, I hear you cry.  Well, for one, what would happen if you came here with a hair dye that wasn't red?  Pink hair dye would sell a million units in a month, and you would be a millionaire.

Or, if you were a retired worker earning 20,000 yen (150 GBP) a month advising teachers and said, nuts to this - if I worked part-time in a store I would earn four times this much, you would be much happier.  There is life outside these here walls, you just need to go and find it.




P.s  I happen to know that 20,000 yen is the going rate for the elderly advisors to teachers.  They work two or three full working days a week.  This ends up being 312 yen an hour.  That's 2.40 GBP an hour, calculated to a 2 day working week.

UK minimum wage:

• £5.93 - the main rate for workers aged 21 and over 
• £4.92 - the 18-20 rate
• £3.64 - the 16-17 rate for workers above school leaving age but under 18
• £2.50 - the apprentice rate, for apprentices under 19 or 19 or over and in the first year of their apprenticeship

These elderly folks are sure as hell not apprentices.  Remember folks, criminal extortion doesn't just exist in drug rings, governments practice it too!

P.P.s While researching this entry, I googled 'inerged definition.'  I suggest you do the same and look at the first link (and the second for that matter).

This makes me suspect that inerged isn't actually a word, just a matrix inspired stroke of genius.  I will lobby in a quiet unassuming way for it to be included in the English Oxford dictionary, and I will continue using it whether it exists or not.  The sound of the word encapsulates the meaning perfectly.  Very rarely do I have the feeling that the definition of a word is inextricably linked to the sounds produced when saying the word, but this is one of those cases.

Inerged (adj.) - Description of a human being.  Indoctrinated into any man-made system, parliamentary, scholastic, governmental etc.  Ex.  He was inerged in the system, and could not see its inherent flaws.

syn.  Invested, (needs more synonyms, can't think of any (which, incidentally, bodes well for inclusion in the English language!)

Etymology - Science.  Describing process of submerging solids, usually in liquids.  Also describes unreactive materials.  Origins unknown.

Inspiration

So I'm struggling to think of anything to write about.

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I went rugby training on Sunday, just a quick mess-around really.  Sunburnt my arms (again).  Not too serious this time, at least.

The only time I seem to remember sun tan lotion is when I get that tingly/burning feeling, that signals late-stage stupidity.

My hair is the longest it's ever been.  I can nearly pony-tail it.  There's nowhere in my town to get a cut, and I'm sure as hell not travelling on the train to find somewhere that does cut hair.  Getting the train anywhere takes an hour, because I inevitably arrive at the station just as the train I want to catch departs.  This leaves me stranded on the station for the better part of an hour, while another train slowly pootles its' way towards me.  I then hop on that one, travel for five/ten minutes and arrive at my destination.  The percentage of inefficiency related to trains in my area is ridiculous.  For a comparison, take a plane.  You travel to the airport, wait for hours at the airport, fly, wait for hours at the airport, then arrive at your destination.  Waiting and travelling to and from the airport is probably upwards of seven hours.  A typical flight will be four or five hours.  This results in a ratio of waiting to flying of 4/7.

My train travel: a ratio of 1/5.  Then again, sometimes I don't have to pay, or at least not the full fare.  Cool.

Oh the Heat

So the heat messed me up pretty badly today.

I had to cycle into work, as is usual on a Friday.  It's a thirty minute ride, but by 8.30 AM it was already 28 degrees, with a humidity that rivals rainforests.  It took me about two hours before my body was able to regulate its' own temperature, and by then I'd already had to teach a class.  I'm pretty sure it was the worst class ever, but I can't remember...  I've only just managed (five hours later) to get rid of my headache from this morning.  The upshot - don't bike anywhere when it's this humid.  It's not even the heat so much as the humidity.  Dry-heat is preferable.  I don't know the exact statistic, but I believe it's around a hundred million times more pleasant to have a 35 degree heat with 10% humidity than a 30 degree heat with 98% humidity.

It's also come to my attention that I've been bitching about the heat for a month now.  I honestly don't know why, but it's really messing me up.

On a bizarre side-note, the average Japanese person is terrified of lightening.  They warned me about lightening, pointing out that 'when it is thunder, flash from sky... flash is dangerous.'  Well, aside from the Engrish (I would love to be able to say even that much in Japanese at this point), I find it incredible to think that they think no other country in the world has thunderstorms.  I've been asked if England has thunder and lightening, whether it rains a lot, (I thought England was notorious for that) and whether it's dangerous in England.

I would say I'm in far more danger being here, as I'm at least half a foot taller than average.  Considering the fact that right now it's thundering, and there's a wickedsick storm outside, I'll have to do my best granny impression and ride my bike bent over double.

Or not, considering open plains are not common here.

The Week in News

Chinese people attacked in Paris.  Imagine if an English politician said it had nothing to do with race - they'd be crucified.

The mayor of the 20th district, Frederique Calandra, said she believed the attacks were not motivated by racism.

"Chinese people are attacked very often, not because of racist problems but because thugs have this opportunity of making money easily, because Chinese people are used to carrying cash - a lot of cash," said Ms Calandra.

That would put her out of a job in England.

Japans fastest train looks like a giant penis.  Considering the obvious aerodynamic advantages of such a design, does that mean we will begin seeing Usain Bolt run stark naked?  Only time will tell.

Worlds most inappropriate advertisment.  It's pasted next to a church (who cares about the church part?) and opposite a school.  Whoops.  Actually thinking about it, an advertisment of this nature, posted anywhere, will be seen by children and christians.  Post it on the side of a road and it will be seen, post it on the side of a house and it will be seen.  The point is - advertisments are designed to be seen.  It doesn't actually matter a jot where it's put.

Worlds fastest train cuts a ten hour journey down to three hours.  Them there chinese be up to no good again.  I predict a horrific crash, the government will blame it on dissidents and communism will strengthen its grip on the country for a short while 'in the name of personal freedom and security.'  Oh wait, that's England and America.

It's about 31 degrees or so, and humid enough to make resting my hands on this hot laptop intolerable; so that's all for this weeks news roundup.


On a side-note - The two funniest comments I've ever seen on a youtube video are both present at the top of this one.

On a completely unrelated note - I attempted a pet project last night, of live-streaming my desktop over the internet (just to see if it could be done, really) and I got it working, except for one annoying bug.  It would randomly flicker all over the place, making it a pain in the backside to watch.  Epilepsy inducing.  I'm running an Nvidia card with two screens, and frankly speaking, it could be one of a million different things causing it.

Also, if you want to find a way of stressing out a new computer, try livestreaming something.  The comp needs to continuously capture the video, transcode it, and upload it on the fly.  I was averaging 60% CPU usage when I was in a game.  Taxing stuff.

Ideas welcome on how to fix the flickering.

Swimming

So I went swimming for the first time in Japan.  I went to a small local pool.  It had half a dozen lanes set up in the normal way.

One lane was set up for the elderly to walk around, one lane for practice, and the others for people of varying speeds.

What interested me was the fact that everyone was slow.  Regardless of lane, everyone moved at a snails pace.  There were very few people in the pool, luckily, which meant I was able to go for 50 metres, duck under the lane and carry on in another.  This allowed me to get a bit of fitness in, while not stressing my bruised foot.  Prior to this I visited the gym.  Jumping into the pool after being in the gym is a glorious feeling.  They also have an entire ceiling shower feature, so you walk through a wall of water before you hit the pool.  It's quite cool.

What wasn't cool: a brother/brother combination intent on being social rejects.  They were incredibly bad swimmers, and would wait for me to reach their end of the lane before setting off, forcing me into a different lane.  Realising their tactic of stopping me swimming in a single lane wasn't working, they split up between two lanes, hoping to stop me entirely.  Luckily, there were three free-moving lanes, and I simply hopped into the free lane whenever necessary.  Let's just hope they don't have another brother.  (One was eighteen, the other fourteen.  Kids in Japan lack the maturity of Western counterparts, that is to say, when you meet an eighteen year old in Japan, he's actually mentally sixteen.  Extremely annoying.)

This aside, I had to go to the gym on my crappy backup bike, because I got another puncture.  This time it was a five centimetre staple.  Nice.

In related news, it was thirty-three degrees indoors, with a humidity hitting 95%.  I had three ice-cold showers yesterday, and I would still be sweating within ten minutes of leaving them.  I'm talking ice-cold, dropping my core body temperature to hypothermia levels.  I would come out shivering and still be sweating.

I don't think I've ever had heat affect me this badly before.  In Korea everyone has air-conditioning.  In Japan, my room doesn't, and schools refuse to turn theirs on because they have no money.  With my pay, I can believe that they're broke.

The upshot is, headaches every day.  Sweating when I wake up, having been sweating when I was asleep, sweating in the shower, sweating on the bike ride to school, sweating in class, sweating in the teachers room.

It's extremely hot.

Match Report, Pig Nose

So I played a rugby game on Sunday, with the ex-Tochigi (county) champions, Sano rugby club.  (Not to be confused with the professional outfit stationed in the same area, these guys are very much amateur.)

Some ten years ago, this club was a force to be reckoned with, apparently.

Anyway, the short synopsis of events, before the long unveiling of the action as I remember it, is as follows:  It was hot.  We only played for thirty minutes each way, because it was hot.  I had a headache after five seconds of running around.

So both teams were ready for the kickoff, with a lengthy preparation time deemed necessary for the newly formed Sano back line; expectation was high.  At least until we started playing together, and the language barrier was immediately erected.

After some confusion (a lot of confusion on my behalf) we ironed out four moves.  A couple of switches and a couple of miss-passes.  Not exactly a fearsome arsenal, but it was the best we could do.

We were lucky enough to kick-off, and after an immediate knock-on, me and my inside centre (I was playing number 13, (Outside centre) performed a switch.  That was 1/4 of our moveset used already.  Thirty seconds as we were into the game, it worked nicely.  I went straight through a gap in their defensive line, barely got by the full-back (he was close up against the back line, so I had to put my best foot forward to dance past him) and scored under the posts.  I would like to say this set the tone for a one-sided game, but rather it just proved to everyone that defence is not important to these guys.

Essentially, every time we scored, they scored too.

After them scoring (within five minutes) we were pinned inside our own 22.  Our defence (somehow) managed to hold out for a few phases, and rather than build pressure, the opposition attempted a cheeky kick under the radar.  Luckily, our fullback was also English, and has watched enough France games to know this was coming.  He dabbed the ball down and immediately threw it forwards to our number 10.  Sensing an opportunity, he kicked the ball a centimetre over the line, picked it up, drew a man and off-loaded the ball to me.  Now, watching a 110kg Samoan about to tackle you may seem intimidating - but having a whole pitch and three or four players to get past, in an oven, is even more intimidating.  So I went for a run.

By about halfway I had managed to outmanoeuvre a few of their defenders, and by the ten metre line only one man was chasing me.  By the 22 I was easing back for fear of blowing a gasket, and, when I did eventually reach the line, I flopped over.  Tiring stuff.

Apparently, the water-guy could tell how hot I was by how red I was, and would throw varying amounts of water at me as a result.  It would take about three or four minutes to cool down enough to go on another run, at which point my headache would return.

Around the halfway stage of the first half, a curious incident occurred that hinted at the nature of Japanese rugby players.  We had just knocked on, and there was a scrum forming.  I was jogging back into position, head down, willing my headache away, when one of their flankers shoulder charged me.  Bearing in mind the whistle was blown a good 30 seconds before this incident, and that the opposition player knocked me on my ass in front of everyone, it was incredible that nothing came of it.  I can't comment on whether the referee saw it directly, because I was on my backside and not really aware of anything other than that fact.  I can only assume he didn't, or he really hated foreigners (he ignored me all match, when I was asking him if we were on-side at scrums and rucks, eventually one of the linesmen took pity on he and helped me out).  This event, coupled with a late rucking challenge (late because the whistle was blown fifteen seconds before the challenge occurred) where I was bridging over a ball and ensuring their players couldn't reach it, when one of their players just ran full pelt into my side (illegal because, he came in from the side and it was an aeon after the whistle was blown to end play) giving me a nice bruise on my hip.  I should point out that it was our ball, so they shouldn't have been challenging, and the guy who ran into me was a dick.

These events, coupled with a few more niggly half-punches, have led me to conclude that Japanese rugby players are filthy.  I would expect one or two of these things to happen in England, per match.  Not all of them.  Especially not all of them to me.  I'm not even a forward for Christs sake; that stuff goes on in the scrum, not open play in front of the referee.  Seeing as very little (if anything) happened to anyone else on the team, I can only assume one alternative.  They're extremely xenophobic, and this is their outlet.  Either way, no harm was done, and I'm more than happy with my performance (despite one enormous, gut wrenching mistake towards the end.)

So we resume, halfway through the first half.  Our fullback was a fellow Englishman (the only 2 white people on the pitch) who proved his worth several times.  Throughout the next period, he fielded a number of kicks and stopped a number of breakaways.  It was all-round good stuff.  During this period I think I scored another try, but I can't remember.  They scored just before half-time, and we had scored another prior, so we were up one or two tries at this point.

The second half felt even hotter, although I'm sure it was just my imagination.  We opened with a convincing attack down the wing, where I gratefully took a ball behind their defensive line while being herded by the winger and fullback into a corner.  The winger got me about five metres from the line, with the fullback joining in a stride later.  One of their centres eventually joined in, and with three of them scratching, scraping, punching and kicking at me - I fell over the line for my third or fourth.

Then came a period of concerted effort on behalf of the opposition, pushing us back to our own line on a number of occasions.  At one stage, with me and the fly half the only defensive line, it appeared a certainty that they would score.  They went through hands laterally, allowing my inside man to tackle a ball carrier.  He off-loaded, giving the opposition a four on one against me.  I tracked along, the first man passed to the next, turning it into a three on one.  Then, out of nowhere, our full-back nailed their ball carrier.  He managed to pass out of the tackle, but it was sloppy.  The ball went high and wide, giving the recipient a few metres of touchline to work with.  Unfortunately for him, I had continued tracking the ball and bundled him into touch.  Rather unceremoniously.  My entire team, bar the full-back, were waiting for them to score and had all but meandered back to the halfway line.  Thanks to some sterling work by the full-back, this certain try scoring situation was overturned.  Some indecision on behalf of the opposition led to a breakout, and what was a certain try for the pinks (their team colour) became a loose play miracle try for us.

This is certainly a feature of Japanese rugby.  They lack the physicality to compete in tackles (they are angry, but can't channel that aggression) or during the ruck or maul situation, but they have an extremely open, extremely interesting open play game.  They're very much like the French national team in this regard.  Broken play suits them well, and off-loading in the tackle creates some fantastic situations for flowing rugby.

So in the last five or ten minutes of play, we broke out of our own half once again, thanks to some fantastic running by our full-back.  He took a few players out of commission, then off-loaded to me.  I was away, with only two people to beat.  I edged closer to their line, and with about ten metres to go, made a ridiculous decision.  They were both on my inside, and I should have feinted inside and gone outside for a try in the corner.  It would have been tight, but I could have made it.  Instead, I did the opposite, hoping to wrong-foot the first guy and bludgeon the second.  I stepped the first guy fine, but upon hitting the second guy I was well bought down.  The plan, then, was to put the ball down, get up and pick the ball up from my own side.  This is perfectly legal assuming the tackler has let go.  Unfortunately, a third player bundled me from behind when I was getting up (not knowing or caring that I didn't have the ball) and managed to take off my left boot.  I have no idea how he managed it, and can only assume he slide tackled me.  That would have been okay, except my boot was done up tightly, and in working loose it made my foot do the chinese foot binding thing, and folded it over.  The upshot is, that after some pain I left the field, and didn't get back on in the remaining five minutes.  My foot is pretty damned blue, but I've been walking on it okay after resting it yesterday.  Another week and it'll be back to perfect.

The upshot:  Not only did I screw up a perfect opportunity to add my fourth or fifth (after a great breakout by the full-back) but I got injured in the process.  I felt like a right lemon.

As far as I know man of the match awards are given; but on this occasion it would have gone to either myself or the full-back, and that kind of recognition of foreigners is best left to other members of society.

Final score: 32 (maybe) to 24 (ish)

We went for food afterwards, and in that time we were invited along for training at a club called pig nose.  Like Sano won their county league a decade ago, pig nose won the national amateur competition a decade ago.  Apparently I'm ten years from the heyday of Tochigi rugby.  That'll be fun, assuming I can get there.

A Red Letter Day

So today is a bumper day for blog posts.  Having written about terrible chinese copies, I felt it impossible to append this post to the bottom of the last.

It is about Canada.

I have no idea what the news reports in England, but the internet is rife with pictures and videos of the riots in Canada right now.

First off, a prediction.  This will become a South Park episode.  That is a given.

A large number of commentators have ruefully noted that Canada is the home of progressive liberals (dirty filthy hippies, to the rest of the world) and such events should not have unfolded in a land of arts and free-love.  Obviously, those people are morons.  Even the most lovey dovey of countries will riot.  History has taught us that the more hippy a country becomes, the more ridiculous the reasons for rioting.  England is a testicle-free country, with enough bark to scare a country of say, Liechtensteins size - and enough bite to damage a country of, say, San Marino's size.  Now, as a hippy country with no power, following my rule of impotence, England should have riots of stupid matters.  And indeed, we see that England riots over things like football.  An unimportant and stupid situation.

Let's look at another country in the same boat as England.  The Netherlands are also an impotent country.  They couldn't impose their will on a whale in their territorial waters.  What do they riot about?  Football.

Ice Hockey (I think they lost an ice hockey match, anyway) is simply the Canadians football.  It's a simple equation with an inevitable outcome.

What is more fascinating is the extent of the riots.  According to Wikipedia (my ever unverifiable source of information) four people were stabbed, one hundred arrests were made and one idiot fell from a viaduct.

Yet there were no deaths.

In my mind; THIS fact alone makes Canada the most liberal of countries.  Even if your country consisted of twenty people, all of whom were artists, and who smoked marijuana and did other drugs every day, you would still have riots.  To distinguish these liberal countries from, say, the middle east, you only need to see the death toll.

And then there are the pictures.  Holy crap, some of them are funny.  These are all taken from:

http://news.nationalpost.com/2011/06/16/photos-riots-fire-destruction-after-vancouvers-loss/

 We begin, with this doosy.

The caption reads 'man rioting blah blah blah.'

What it should actually say is:

Man superglues foot to door during riots.  Can't get down.


Fixed.

Next!
The next picture probably won't get the kid arrested, because he's not actually pictured doing anything wrong.  Just standing there looking like an idiot.  Also, everyone knows that all asian kids play World of Warcraft (/sarcasm), hence the caption.

Bring it on!  I have the +5attack stick of destiny.

Looking for a good time?

Head to the Granville Entertainment District to turn your world upside down.

I hope this man is shopping for his girlfriend.

Because that bag doesn't go with his coat.

Free limb transplants for everyone involved in the riots.

But all the blood was taken by this guy.  Also, he looks like a viking.

Why does the police officer look like he has a chairleg, and not a baton or nightstick?

Why did the rioters re-animate a rocker from the 60's?

What happened next?  This is one of the few pictures that I rue being a single frame.  I really want to see who wins in this particular spat.






Ok, now to lower the tone.  I apologise in advance for this - I'm pandering.

Blue shirt:  Jesus dude, that stinks.

Hoodie:  *fixing belt*  Sorry dude, couldn't hold it in.

Once again proving that you don't need to be white to riot, these chinese descendants show a rebellious streak that their brethren don't.

All those years of rock band practice have finally paid off.

His form still needs work though.

The second best javelin thrower in Canada shows his resentment at being left home for the Beijing Olympics, and bids to put his name forward for the London 2012 team.

Cigarettes, not the only way to kill yourself in Canada.

I was about to place the words 'coolest woman ever,' between more words like, 'too cool for school.'

However, looking at this again, her demeanor is apprehensive, and she's obviously posing for this picture.  As such, I will not respect her participation, and merely state that she shouldn't be smoking in the first place.

Who knew two cars would create so much smoke.

 If Danny Boyle (?) had waited to shoot 28 Days Later, he could have used Vancouver as a backdrop.










I include this picture, simply because it's a police car that's on fire.  That's cool.

Canadians are not savvy shoppers.

 This bloody idiot has clearly missed the sale.

BUY TWO, GET ONE FREE, IDIOT.

Go and get yourself another couple of shirts.

Also, go raid a shoe shop on the way home - those things are damned ugly.

This guy is included on the wall of shame, not just for trying, and failing to light a police car - but for getting caught on camera doing so.

My years of setting police cars on fire suggests to me that he is going about this the wrong way.  Don't completely bung the entrance, otherwise there won't be enough air for the fire to spread to the petrol tank.

Also, your rag is long for a reason.  Light it at the end, not in the middle.

The annual Volvo flipping competition got off to a rocky start, as someone forgot to turn off the engine.









Now, before we look at the next picture in the riots.  I feel I should refresh your memories.

This picture is of Michael Jackson in his Smooth Criminal persona.

The next picture is of a man impersonating him.  The reason I add this second picture?  This guy is trying really hard to be Michael Jackson, but doesn't quite manage to pull it off.

Throw tear-gas at a man however, and he instinctively channels Jackson himself.  As evidenced by the picture below.

Presumably the same guy, after getting bored of being Michael Jackson, goes Soviet and emulates the Luna programme.  Let's just hope it doesn't end like Endeavour.

Someone raided the set of Free Willy.  What's up with that hair?  On a lighter note, the guy in the background, next to the car, appears to be picking up a beer.  Now, I'm led to question a number of things here.  Was the beer already in the car?  Did the car have a fridge in it?  Was the beer intact?  So many questions, so few answers.

Also, if you look to the right of the guy with a beer on the floor - there appears to be a man with the largest Abe Lincoln style top hat, ever.  So big that it requires the user to hold it all the time with both hands.  Then I realised that it was actually a bin, and he is going to smash it over the guy bending over getting his beer.  Now, I don't know if that flies in Canada, but I would have to sit the bin provoker down, and have serious words with him; if I were in the receiving end of that.

Now.  Now then.  What's going on here?  This is where my hypothesis about Canadians being the perfect liberals really kicks in.  Plainly, these two are high.  If they're not, then they're mental and should be locked up.  Of course they're not because everyone has equal opportunities blah blah.

It's just like the F1 paddock.  (Look on the portaloo.)

P.s  Toploader have reformed.  Awesome!

Of Copyrights and china

So china is world renowned for stealing ideas.  Their entire economy is based upon rehashed ideas, stolen from their Western counterparts.  For the most part, this works perfectly.  Zero research and development costs, expertise garnered through hard work and backwards engineering - coupled with the absolute poverty and low wages of the working class.  This is the capitalists dream.

To be honest I don't really care how china makes its fortune, it will do things no worse than what England did in the past or america is doing now; that was the case until now, however.

One of the things that ensures the chinese economy continues to burn, is the black hole effect.  China invests in external companies, while drawing the profits back into china.  Once money wanders over the chinese border, it will never be seen again.  In this way, china is growing nice and fat, along the same model as america.

Again, before today I could have cared less.

Now, however, with china being the largest PC using country in the world (that is to say there are more PC's in china than anywhere else in the world) and a large portion of those PC's used for playing games, I was irked to see this video.  It is a crass copy of Team Fortress 2, a game that's been out for ages in the West.

The point being, this game is banned in china.  The chinese then make a half-assed copy, add some mandarin, and it's good to go.  The revenues generated by this game stay within china, and don't make it across the sea to the american developer of the original title.

Why does this irk me so?  I don't care about profits, revenues or legalities - I do care about human rights however.  Why should chinese gamers have to play a sub-par, toned down, washed out copy of a classic game.  I have previously managed to get my hands on some chinese clones (one of age of empires, one of counterstrike) and they were abusive pieces of software.  They were the gaming equivalent of jumping testicle first onto railings.  That an entire generation of chinese kids think that playing games amounts to this, is a travesty.

In fact, I'm thinking of starting a charity (called travesty international) to promote awareness of this issue.  China, please drag games into the 21st century - start by basing your mechanics on games that aren't ten years old.

P.S  Kudos to Microsoft Game Studios for making a trailer for a war game, without using blood.  Skip to 45 seconds.

P.P.S  For a comparison to the chinese game linked above, check out the real deal here.  Notice how the player model is identical?  Even the helmet over the eyes.

Wearing Your Sunglasses Backwards

It's often said that Japan is many years behind the west with regards to fashion.

I've always been a firm proponent of the 'they're not behind, they're different,' philosophy.  I stand by this idea, as I can't think of a single girl in England who turned herself bright orange (by choice, not by drinking too much sunny delight) and then willingly electrocuted herself.



This was a thing, some time ago.

It has come to my attention, however, that certain fashions manage the transition, and that it takes a few years for that process to occur.

One of the cool things for the kids now, is the rubber band bracelet (?) things that show support for a charity. I was given one in my first year of rugby at university, supporting post-operation troops.  Help for heroes is a charity that works to provide healthcare for individuals who have served and suffered.

During the trip to Japan, this idea has undergone a few changes.  The shape has changed, no longer being a uniform width, but having wider parts facing upwards, allowing more writing to be embedded onto the face of the rubber.

The second transformation is the cause.  They no longer support charities (I've never seen anyone put change in a charity box, and the only charity box I've seen has been at a convenience store (see: twenty four hour corner shop (sic))) instead preferring to advertise the childs favourite cartoon.

I feel it apt, at this stage, to point out that men and women of all ages watch cartoons.  They're not all cutesy, painfully dull, IQ sapping Disney style feel-good festivals of medicority.  Think of the scene in Kill Bill, for example, where the gangsters roll into a families' house, murder everyone, then set it on fire.  This scene didn't pass the censors, so they remade it in a Japanese cartoon style (way to go censorship.  We have Disney to thank for the Western perception of cartoons being benign.) and (Side-note The cartoons aren't normally that detailed - they're made on shoestring budgets with fierce deadlines.) you can often see ultra violent cartoons of that nature on late night TV.

P.S  Good luck reading that last paragraph; it ended up being far more complicated than I had planned.

Anyway, the bracelets were a stupid idea for charity (except for the vain) and they're still a stupid idea.  The best fads are pointless, and pointless seems to be universal.

I would normally stop here, but some astonishing things have come to my attention.  Firstly, the Human Development Index thinks rather poorly of England (or more specifically, the UK) ranking it one place above Singapore.  Singapore being a developing nation means England, by rights, should be classed as one too.  Some of the other countries that rank above the UK are frightening (Spain, unemployment capital of Europe and south korea, a third world country.)

On the note of south korea, I just finished reading an article by a new recruit to the BBC Asia team.  She recently arrived in sk, and was greeted with typical hospitality.  If you read the article you will notice that Mr. Bu is on par with the average korean.  That is to say, he's an asshole, and is a perfect representative for koreans everywhere.

I do feel sorry for their reporter though - she has to endure two years of korea.  がんばってね！

On a slight tangent, the scariest bird in the world lives on (above? In?) the Faroe islands:


"Because when you grab them [the worlds' most dangerous birds] they have a tendency to vomit - and they carry bacteria which are dangerous for pregnant women. And my girlfriend is expecting a baby."


Holy crap.  Not only do they vomit on you - they kill babies.  Why have I never heard of this bird before?  What else do they have on those islands?  Alley cats that maul grown men?  Sheep that attack and destroy cars?  These islands were the real-life inspiration for Jurassic park, it seems.


Oh, and one of the sports teachers in my school wears his sunglasses backwards while he's indoors.  This obviously ranks above the yanks who wear them indoors, but he stills looks like a colossal cock.  P.S I love the hyperbole laden definition from dictionary.com.


#Update#  In a hilarious conversation lasting five minutes, I found out (with no irony) that Japan invented cheese.  They also invented the round cheeses, often divied into six or eight slices.  Despite inventing all cheese everywhere, they only have one type of cheese.  It's called six piece cheese, and is the only type you can buy in Japan.


I fear there was some mis-communication, at some stage.

Outlandish Predictions

SO the pools for next years Heineken cup have been announced.  Seeing as England will have a large presence (as is usually the case) I feel that outlandish predictions of who's going to win are the order of the day.

In pool one we have Munster, Saints, Castre and the Scarlets.  Munster to win the pool, Saints as an outside shot.  (This sucks for saints, because they could have potentially reached the final with an unbeaten winning streak.)

In pool two we have Cardiff, London Irish, Racing Metro and Edinburgh.  London Irish to win, if their form is good.  Racing metro if not.  (I hear that Metro are buying in players left and right.)

Pool three consists of Leinster, Bath, Glasgow and Montpellier.  Leinster to come top.  Bath to come second.  I don't really care about any of the others.

Pool four has the tigers, Clermont, Aironi and Ulster.  Leicester to go through, comfortably.  I predict one possible upset in the away match with Clermont.

Pool five has some big names, with sarries, Benetton, Biarritz and the Ospreys.  Saracens to go through based on their domestic performance this year, and the fact that the Saracens is essentially the South African national team.  In fact, if Saracens don't win everything next year, they will have under-performed.

Toulouse, Quins, Gloucester and Connacht round out the final group.  My pick for this group is Toulouse, but I'm desperate for Quins to pull something out of the bag.  The problem with this group is that Toulouse aside, Quins, Gloucester and Connacht will be taking points out of each other left and right.  I predict an equal score for at least two teams, bringing it to a points difference decider.

So the top of the table teams will be: Munster, Irish, Leinster, Leicester, Sarries and Toulouse.

The second places will be: Saints, Racing Metro, Bath, Clermont, Ospreys and, in the final pool, it's a three way tie.  I'm going with Quins, because I really want them to do well.

The world cup pools are somewhat easier to draw, they appear to be designed to allow the top teams into the knockout stages.

Pool A is Canada, France, New Zealand, Japan, and Tonga.  France and New Zealand will go through.  There isn't a prayer for Tonga, Japan or Canada.

Pool B consists of Argentina, Georgia, England, Romania and Scotland.  England will lose to Argentina (we always have a kick up the ass realisation moment in the world cup.) but both will go through.  100-1 that Scotland will beat either England or Argentina.

Pool C is as clear-cut as the others, with Australia, Ireland, Italy, Russia and the USA.  Australia and Ireland to go through, Australia on top obviously.  Again, I'm desperate for Italy to beat Ireland and go through to the Quarters.  They've been up and down, with their recent performance falling below par - so I may want it to happen, but it ain't gonna.

Pool D is clear-cut, with Fiji, Namibia, Samoa, South Africa and Wales pooled together.  South Africa and Wales to proceed, with the proviso that Wales don't slip up against the south sea islanders AGAIN.  They love falling at the last hurdle, especially against Tongans and whatnot.  Their history of failure, then, leads me to suspect that this pool will be the most interesting of the lot.

There we have my predictions.  Feel free to ridicule the long-shots and question my sanity.

P.S.  A woman FINALLY gets screwed over by the courts, regarding home ownership:

A court ruled he was entitled to 10% and Miss Jones to 90%, but the Court of Appeal said that despite their unequal contributions, he was entitled to half because the property was jointly-held.


Considering the number of times a woman with no job has sued for half a property, despite not contributing in any way, it's refreshing to see that a man has done the same.  The primary conceit of these women is that they contribute to upkeep of the house.  Fair enough if there are children involved (which is a whole other feminist scam, see fathers for justice) but when it's just a scrub, leeching away, I have no sympathy.  The fact that this is the first case I've ever read of a man doing the same thing, and the fact that he will soon be overturned and forced to pay back the money, shows how woman centric this country is.  Equal rights for all!  (Except if you're a man, or you're black, or you're...  You get the idea.)