Speech Contest and Photographs

So I've been given homework for the break.  I've got to read around 150 speech contest scripts and 'understand what level the students are at.'  I assume I will be judging the students at some point, and along with the other English teacher, I will basically decide who will represent our school at the competition.  I don't know what 'the competition,' is yet, but I assume there will be one.

Now, to put these entries into a semblence of context, 99% of these kids can't say 'my name is ...'  Those who can, only respond 'Bob,' or 'John,' when asked their names.  The level of English is around the same level as sub-Saharan tribes who have never encountered a European before.

Actually, that might be a little kind.

The level of English here is one below the tribesmen.

Therefore it makes me laugh when I see a script that has the following:

'Recently I hurt my shoulder.  While it was healing, I couldn't throw at all, so it was very hard for me.  But now that it has healed, I'm so happy to again be able to throw until my heart's content.'

Idioms and all!

If you think I'm being particularly biased, and merely showing the single best example, this is the first page of 150.  They're all pretty much the same.

I won't bore you with more contestants, but some of them are actually pretty interesting.  One kid talks about his/her parents divorce (I know, DEEP right?), one kid talks about going to Manchester to study music.  One kid talks about global warming, and gets all his facts wrong (which made me laugh, I must amit.)  For example, the earth will run out of oil in ten years, apparently.

Oh Japan, up to your old tricks again.

That aside, I'm halfway through them and haven't reached the second or third year entries yet.  This is at the middle school level, and I expect a commensurate improvement with age.  By the third years I expect quotes from Shakespeare and Marlowe.

Don't make me angry.  You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

So the school commissioned a few photographs a while ago.  A man with an extremely expensive camera turned up, and these are the photographs we get.  What's the point?

Anyway, click the image and it will give you a full sized picture.  It's 5 megs, so it'll take a while before the picture appears fully.

The reason why I have such a low brow?  It was 30+ degrees, and we were looking directly into the sun.  To top it off, the guy with the extremely expensive camera also had a flash, which was promptly administered on every photograph.  The reason for this, bearing in mind nothing was illuminated by the flash (except the retinas of everyone there) is something of a mystery.

I must prepare you for this next photograph; it's the best picture you will ever see of another human being.  It really is.

It's also why I hate having pictures taken of me.

Without further ado:

No, no I am not.  Can we take that one again from the other side?

So what made me laugh, aside from my hair, my face, my eyes, my glasses and my demeanor - was the fact that the gym teacher, with whom I have an unspoken rivalry regarding such things as manliness and strength, was placed next to me in this header.

Jesus, the more I look at that picture the more queasy I feel.

That's all for today, feel free to tell me exactly what I look like in the comments...