Of Stupid Beards

As is common for this blog, the title refers to something that may (or may not, depending on how I feel) appear at the end, but certainly not the beginning.

So, once again, I've trawled the depths of the internet so that you don't have to.  This trawling includes many game related websites, none of which will make it onto this page because you already think I'm nerdy enough, without me shouting out 'LOOK AT THE BUMP MAPPING ON THAT.'

Anywho, the first thing I saw on the BBC website was this article about piracy in Japan.  Democracy in the west is predicated on the idea that if you piss enough people off, they won't vote for you.  As such, the massively unpopular ideas rarely make it into law.  As a prime example there have been many people who have advocated improving the NHS (an example plucked from the air) by changing the very system itself.  As luddites, or 'voters,' as they're colloquially known, don't like change, the improvements have been vetoed in favour of spending eye-watering sums with no targets, aims or ideas.  Of course there are the few who make substantial sums by virtue of having gone to school with some otherwise exceptionally well to do peer or lord, but the majority are lumped with a slow, inefficient system that benefits senior administrators financially, and no one else.  The result is a system that doesn't work.  Yay for democratic powers!

The alternative is Japanese democracy which works very much like this:  I am the president of Japan.  My friend who runs Sony, doesn't like people pirating songs.  I will therefore enact a law that breaks the constitutional foundations of our country, because he will invite me to tea parties.

In many cases, the person who summons the idea is brazenly the same friend with whom we wish to dine, as in the case of this piracy law in Japan.

'This revision will reduce the spread of copyright infringement activities on the internet,' (ed - no it won't) said the body's chairman Naoki Kitagawa, who is also chief executive of Sony Entertainment Japan...' (ed - boldness added by the nobhead author)

So, they put someone who had clear ulterior motives, in charge of an organisation whose purpose is to lobby the government on behalf of a billion dollar company, in order to enact laws that are unjust, to further infringe upon the rights of the luddites.  Of course, the 'voters,' in Japan are more placid than those in England even, meaning they can do whatever the hell they want; and make no mistakes, they do.  Let this be a lesson for everyone in England - when you find yourself on the ass end of an unlawful arrest, with no access to a lawyer, food or water, and you're starved to death by a gestapo-esque secret police who are above the law, the incremental steps they took to get there could have been avoided had you decided to do something about it, instead of just sitting on your great big, gelatinous asses.  Take heed.  (Of course you won't, that's why 1984 is ever more referred to whenever someone mentions the state of human rights in contemporary society).

The next article is one about the EU.  Apparently we've been pissing people off in Europe (hot news just off the press).  The germans don't know whether to kick us out, the french have all but made up their mind (as this story, based off blogs of all things, seems to indicate).  No one else seems to care.  Should England sever all ties, it would of course be disastrous.  We wouldn't be able to handle worldwide finances without incurring heavy levies and taxes and this would mean losing 99% of all our income.  The other 1% are farmers, and they wouldn't be able to flog their stuff abroad, both because they'd be priced out of the market, and the government wouldn't be able to prop them up.  Gutted.  Should we abscond, someone else will take our place within four or five minutes, and we'd have permanently lost our source of income.

On the flip-side, screw the frogs and krauts, we don't need them as long as we have america.  Oh, they don't have any money anymore.  Well, maybe the chinese have forgotten about the opium wars by now?  Well, there's always Iran...

In sporting news, Nicky Hayden is one of my new favourite riders.  He is ballsy to the point of recklessness, and that merits a special place in my heart.

Take this for example:

Fuck that for a game of soldiers

It's not tiddly winks, but goddamn that's a big one.

He followed the above highside with this ballsy attempt at saving the bike.  As the various commentators have noted, he could have bailed a dozen times before he hit the barrier and slid to a painful, if unspectacular stop.  No one knows as of yet (as far as I know) why he didn't, but I suspect with his recent track record (pun) he was trying to save the bike to save the team from rebuilding yet another one.

It's worth noting that I've used the word ballsy so many times because it really conveys the kahoonas on this guy - gutsy or brave really don't have the same impact for my money.  Again, he deserves respect, and gets it from me.

Everyone seems to think he's okay.  Christ on a bike, the more I watch it the more horrific it gets.  He damn near does two flips, and that's only at 40mph!

The next clip comes from the hyperbole machine that is the BBC.

A typhoon hit mainland Japan last night, making landfall at Okinawa some hours prior.  By all accounts it was quite strong when it reached Okinawa, but when it came to mainland Japan it was weak and pathetic.  Having said that (or written), it wasn't a particularly earth-shattering one even over Okinawa.  They do like to hype these events though, so we got this self-evidently factually inaccurate report.

It's self-evident because the car is not in the air at any point, nor is it picked up.

It's made all the more hilarious by the slow-mo, as if trying to prove the validity of the headline.

Not funny for the man who owns the car though.  Poor guy.

If you want to see something that's actually impressive, watch the first plane land here.  That's a ballsy pilot.  Ballsy again, see.  Irreplaceable in the English language.

Nearly at an end now, this article makes me hate England.  Then it makes me hate humanity.  It turns out that dog-dirt sounds (not worthy of being called music) are enjoyed by people regardless of social upbringing, this pile of shit having bridged the language divide from korea to England.  What a shithouse state of affairs you lot must be in if you listen to this utter tripe.  Christ.  Go take a long, hard, semi-suicidal look at yourselves, people of England.

If you were one of the morons who partook of this crime against humanity, take out the 'semi,' from the previous sentence.

And finally, onto the bit about the beards.  In Japan, having a beard is sinful.  The vast, vast majority of men are physically incapable of growing facial hair, so to save their blushes beards are considered unsavoury by the aforementioned vast majority.

This is a problem for me because I'm fantastically lazy.  So lazy I can barely keep my eyelids open outside of rugby related activities.  This is a high-priority concern because I grow facial hair at a rate that would make Rapunzel blush (presumably her facial hair grew pretty quickly too) and cannot be bothered to cut it every day.  So far I've been getting by on weekly shaves that entail me looking like a spotty devil, rather like this, at the start of the week, then in the middle I look ruggedly handsome, and at the end I look like a stowaway aboard a transatlantic cruise powered by dreams.  Think Tom Hanks, if he spent another eight or so years on the island.

I'm pretty sure I would get fired if I didn't shave at all, so I devised a cunning plan.  If I shave just a little bit, to give the appearance of giving a flying one, they won't fire me.  I don't have to spend the requisite hours shaving it all off, taking mere moments instead - and I get to look like a complete douchebag in the process!  Bonus!

This came about from talking to someone who only shaved every time he scored a try, which was surprisingly often given his position.  I vowed to do the same (only tries for Lion count) but wondered how to enact that plan without turning into cousin It.

Anyway, this first trial resulted in a loss of moustache, next week I might keep the tache attached to the beard, and shave it down a bit, hoping to look like this:

I'm starting to get the old white hairs (hehe).  It's indicative of imperfect cell division, don'cha know.

But more than likely ending up like this:

You have to imagine green/black eyes instead.

Why all the beard talk?  Simple; I've nothing else better to talk about.

Bye.

#EDIT#  I just noticed someone left me a message on the previous post:

hahahahahaha
where do you get the brilliant words? soooooo funny

There are two possible options here:  He is a sincere fan, or a bitter, sarcastic dick.

Considering the fact that the kind of person who would sincerely leave a message of this kind probably isn't inclined to read anything I write (non-pop culture, non-fashion, non-celebrity) I have to assume he's option B.

In which case: Dick.