Zen and the Art of Pressure Washing

So I recently had to clean a relatively large surface (astro turf) with a focused high pressure water cannon.  The beam was focused enough that agonising slivers of green were revealed during every sweep, while the ruddy mottled brown, no matter how hard you try, laughs back.

Being notoriously lazy, a plan was sought to minimise effort.  This plan involved a detailed grey matter image of the surface, contours, and eventual route; considering environmental factors and footprints.  Once the map had been set, following myriad rules such as:  Generally moving from the top of the slope to the bottom, working in three parallel blocks (each sub-divided by two further blocks), moving no more than fifty centimetres forward at a time (on each block), and moving as much detritus (for the cleaner picks up many billions of microscopic particles, congealing them into a macroscopic ooze) to the sides as possible.

These rules generally applied, but were legitimately broken if problems, considering such factors as wind direction, footprints and astro fibre density were found.

While millimetres were cleaned with every sweep, time was taken to contemplate the route - but even this only takes a finite amount of time, considering the task seemed to offer infinite opportunity for inexhaustible fun (the seasons bring further coverings of rain, sand, mud and snow.  Each sweep would appear to take five years to complete, lending the surface to continual cleaning, non-stop, all year round) I had to occupy spare grey cell computational cycles.  Therein lies the zen methodology.  Plan your pebble garden (or cleaning duty) around a simple and convenient pre-meditated (sic) plan, and follow it, being as detached as possible.  The mind goes blank, and one awakes to find the work either complete, or someone firing paintballs at him.  Either way, some amount of time has passed, and the world is a little cleaner/aesthetically pleasing.

How to Escape England: Initiation Guide

So escaping this thankless country is the prime concern of a large number of people.  Roughly half a million every two years are now leaving, up from four hundred thousand every three years.  Of course these people are the monetarily mobile, leaving only those who can't afford to leave, or who have no transferable skills.  If you're leaving for a foreign speaking country then a certain amount of 'intrepid,' must be genetically encoded in the individual, but this is normally established at birth, and is therefore unchangeable.  The other aspect, willingness to learn the new language, is determined entirely by the individual.

So as the masses flock to the shores, attempting to leave this gigantic titanic, here are my top tips for escaping.

For gaining a visa, you need a number of documents, (depending on where you go) and these take time.  My overall investment of time was promised at 3-4 weeks, maximum.  From my own experience, budget 7-8 weeks.  Government ineptitude is one of the universal laws, alongside Newtons' own.

The second aspect is money.  Every document sent to the government will cost around fifty pounds to sort; including the numerous resending and associated postal costs.  If you need five documents, then budget for ten.  Some will go missing in the post, others will be rejected, yet more will be lost in the government system.

So all it takes to leave this fine and failed land is eight weeks of your constant attention and thought, (men are single threaded processors, afterall) and five hundred pounds.

Oh and a job.

Nothing Ever Changes

The same old same old has been prevalent around these parts for a while now.  I might be heading to Korea soon, but that's not certain yet.  Maybe, maybe not.  Who knows.  Besides; until I'm there and working, I won't believe it.  Don't count your chickens, after all.

On a side-note, don't take life too seriously.

However, on a tangential trajectory to the side-note (which would place it  in line with the original, perhaps?) 'Bulletproof Monk,' is a terrible film.  Do not watch it.  It's a literal and figurative waste of your life.  Don't take life too seriously, but it's a rare film that can take itself lightly and be respectable.  This is not one of those films.

Live life by the minute everyone!

Click to Enlarge.  If you've never seen Futurama it won't work.

The Model, Lottie: On Life

I recently had the opportunity to meet Lottie Goedhart, on an ice rink.  She is an aspiring model hailing from afar.  How far you ask?  Well, let's find out...

Ok Lottie, tell us where you're from.

A small-ish city called Breda in the south of the Netherlands.

Did you only live there, before moving to Wales?

No, I also lived in Rotterdam in the Netherlands for about roughly 4 years.

Of the two, which is your favourite place?

Difficult! I like both places, Breda because it is actually my home town and just a lovely, almost picturesque city, but I like large cities that never sleep as well.  I kind of take the best of both as it's only 45 min apart.

If I were a tourist, with only a day to visit the Netherlands, which of the two would you recommend?

That really depends on what the tourist wants! If he/she is looking for art / musea etc, Rotterdam would be the place, however for shopping, nice surroundings and relaxing I would say Breda.

Ah very diplomatic!

No I worked in tourism, I always had to ask what the customer wants.

(I wonder if you are still on the Rotterdam tourist board payroll!)

Ok so now you're in Wales, how have you found it so far?

Uuuuuhm, I like the Welsh nature, it's very pretty.  Cardiff is Ok, but in all honesty maybe [it's] not classy enough, there is very little to do and I don't really get along with the Welsh community either.  It's not the place to  be for me.

So what made you choose Cardiff?

Originally I wanted to go to London, but I soon found out that was financially a little out of my reach  Other than London it was going to be any other place I could get in, and as I met my current boyfriend online, he offered to help me get into the uni where he lived, which is close to Cardiff.

What problems have you had with the Welsh community?

I think I have completely different interests than the Welsh community, also in how we spend our free time and socialise.

So it's a case of not seeing eye to eye on social activities?  Going with friends to a nightclub, is for example, something you have no interest in?

I do have an interest in going to a nightclub, however what I am used to from the netherlands is perhaps start off the night with a nice big cocktail among us girls to celebrate the start of a good night, but our main interest after that is generally dancing our cute behinds off and being silly  As where here the main interest seems to be alcohol consumption.  I also find that the music played is slightly different.

You mentioned cute behinds, what gave you the idea of becoming a model, and when did you decide to take the leap?

Hmmm... Because I am quite tall and slim, family and friends tend to keep mentioning "you should do modelling", which kind of appealed to me since I was young, but never really got confident enough or got round to actually do something about it.  When I turned 22 I realised if I ever wanted to do this I should hurry, and I literally googled "how to become a model" and took it from there .

What's been the biggest obstacle in your modelling career, thus far?

Keeping confident I think... Things like [the] cold you can easily overcome by being persistant, or having to balance a silly difficult pose that can be laughed at if you fall, but staying confident if some images don't look good in the end, or slipping out of your shoes during a catwalk I find most difficult.   It is crucial though... once you show you are nervous or worried, people will know.

Do you have any special good luck routines before you perform in a show, either for good luck or to keep calm?

Not really! For photoshoots I don't get nervous anymore by now, however on these shows I can't help it and get really nervous and excited! I just tend to act a bit silly or dance backstage to keep my mind off it! Not sure if it helps, but I am completely focussed again when I hit the catwalk, so it must be ok.

Of all the projects you've done so far, which has been your favourite?

Oh! uhm...  I have really enjoyed most projects, but catwalk wise... I suppose the most recent one, which was the fairwear 2010 in Bristol. Mainly because the looks, walk, and designs were so unique! Completely different from a "normal" catwalk, and the bonding with the other girls was really good! They were all lovelies.

Do you ever come off the stage and think, damn, I should have done something different?

Well, the difficult thing is, you can't see yourself walk... but I do think things like "AAAARRRG STUPID SHOES!!!" (when I slipped out of them while walking for example) or when going off the catwalk thinking "where are the stairs!! where are these stupid stairs!!! oh here! nearly passed them... hope nobody has seen that! "

Hahaha do you struggle to keep a straight face when these things happen?

Depends haha, I might have an inside giggle but keep a straight face, unless I am sure the audience can't see me anymore I might give a smile to the people backstage.

What's the community like backstage?  Is everyone friendly or is there still an undercurrent of competitiveness?

Well, I have only had 3 shows so far but they were all quite different... I found that the first 1, one model really didn't care if I had enough room while we passed each other on stage, it wouldn't of surprised me if she tried to push me off.  However backstage they acted like they were each other's best friends.  While at the most recent show, we were actually all helping each other, taking pictures of each other and having a laugh.  Borrowing each other's shoes etc.  Other than that, everybody working backstage is completely stressed out, which I find quite funny at times.  How can you not be... but I tend to see the funny side of these things.

Before I met you, I didn't have a clue about fashion photography, or catwalks.  Can you outline the main genres of fashion work?

Well, there are a few categories in modelling and photography, but of just the fashion industry:

Catalogue

Couture/High Fashion

Commercial/Beauty

Sometimes you can have a conceptual shoot as well for a specific product, but these are the mainstream ones.

Which areas do you specialise in?

All of those, however I only agree to catalogue to get work published or a paid fee, I enjoy the other aspects of the fashion industry more.   I also LOVE conceptual, as you really get to go all out with ones creativity.  But those are obviously more personal projects between the photographer, model, make-up artist etc.

What is the models' input during the photographic process?

That is different per shoot at the moment! If I arrange a shoot myself I have a lot of input obviously, but if I reply to a casting call, the photographer or other creative generally has a very clear idea of what they want, and I just do what they ask of me.  Then there is 1 photographer who starts with a specific idea for a shoot, but discusses every single detail with me, as we kind of keep inspiring each other with out-of-the-box ideas for all sorts of shoot themes.

You know those crazy scientist stereotypes? I suppose he is kind of like that, because he can get really excited and slightly confused! All caught up in a special idea!  

Lovely guy! 

Now I just hope he will never read this haha!

Which situation do you find yourself thriving in more?  Lots of creative input, or a more subtle reaction to a very rigid idea set down by someone else?

 Uhm.. kind of both! I love going all out on an idea with that photographer for example, but it also takes up a lot of time to organise etc.  So the creative side of it is very very rewarding and satisfying, but sometimes I'm also just needed to just adapt to someone else's idea, and just get into character.  I think if I would have to choose I would prefer a lot of creative input, but like I said, sometimes it's nice to just have a bit of a break.

Are there any stereotypes or conventions that particularly annoy you, regarding models in general?

Unlike beauty pageants, a show or shoot is not about me, I am merely a hard working clothing hanger or blank make-up canvass. High-fashion isn’t always “pretty” it is art, and as long as it catches your eye (which it obviously does when someone expresses their disliking) it has achieved its goal. Also I do NOT have an eating disorder, I eat more than my dad on a daily base and have an addiction to anything that contains sugar! Nor do I sleep with photographers, trust me... I would be more interested in their camera equipment! (And so are they by the way...)

So looking forward, do you have any plans for the future?

I have got a shoot planned here and there, but my main goal for now is to get my portfolio printed, show my book to agencies and hopefully get signed!

Thank you very much for your time Lottie, and thanks for meeting me on the ice!  (I would recommend this as an equal forum, because of the ever present threat of falling.  Layers of ice bring equality among all people) 

Check out Lotties' website here, or on the links section to the right.  It's definitely worth looking at, especially for the full-body make up shoot... I can't begin to describe it, and you wouldn't believe me even if I did!

Who Made me Fat? You Did, you Fat Cow.

Thank you for giving me something to write about, dumb blonde BBC presenter.

The first half of that sentence is the name of the programme, and the dumb blonde in questions name is... Actually I don't care.  To give her name is to validate her existence.

Anyway; she was amazed to find that more offers are placed on junk food than other foods.  This is simple economics...  The thing that makes you the most money is the thing that goes fastest through your doors, volume is the name of the game in supermarkets, as it is with most industries.  To put offers on products that sell the highest volume (and are therefore most profitable) is merely catering for an obese market.

Morrisons was the butt of this particular programme.  In a presenter like tone, an amazing 62% of Morrisons products promoted in deals are high in sugar or salt!  Literally amazing!


Actually no it isn't.  38% of their products are not unhealthy, and these are the products no one buys, and are also presumably the perishable items.  Such a large percentage of healthy foods frankly, amazes me.  By percentage of food we actually eat that should be around 5%.

I wonder if this woman writes this stuff herself.  I would have more respect for her if she were simply a politician-like puppet, strings pulled by the BHA or somesuch health organisation.

AND APPARENTLY EATING TOO MUCH SUGAR CAUSES OBESITY!  That's amazing.  And that's also a direct quote.  She was amazed to find this out.  All I can say is this:

Jesus Christ.

Yeah she's moderately attractive, but still, she couldn't hold a conversation with a five year old.  To quote another fantastic and mentally stimulating televisual series, 'snog, marry or avoid,' she is a definite 'snog.'

She's goddamned stupid.

Jesus.

Seriously.

Oh and she is a normal sized person, blaming all of lifes problems on someone else, getting people to lobby against food giants, because all human beings are incapable of looking after themselves.

And I'm going to end with a direct quote: 'oh no, it appears the public health minister is leaving the responsibility of our diets in our hands.'

OH NO I CANNOT HANDLE THE PRESSURE, THE STRESS.  When I get stressed I usually eat junk foo... Shit.  I'm going to die of obesity.  Why doesn't the government make only healthy foods available for purchase.  Oh, and while you're at it, I want a government sponsored person to cut up my food... Oh wait, while they're there they can feed me too.  Brilliant.  Problem solved.

Bye bye.