Monday, 8 August 2016

Broken Nose Woes

So I recently broke my nose again.  It was on the left hand side, but now it's on the right.

NBD  (no big deal)

Stuff like this happens all the time, it can't be helped.  It does mean that I can't breathe out of the right hand nostril now, which is a bummer because I was fine on both sides before.

Oh well.  Life moves on.

So, just out of idle curiosity (and because we needed a new mosquito door thing) me and the girlfriend went to the local DIY store.  It happened to have a fish place, so we went and had a look around.  It turns out that they have the world most unimpressed fish for sale.  No, really, blow this picture up to full size and tell me that guy isn't just eyeing everyone and everything with contempt.

Ugh, they went with blue, really?
 On the way to the fish store we came across this.  In case you can't tell, this is a giant net covering someones back garden.  The purpose of this monstrosity?  To keep golf balls at bay.  Yes, someone has made a golf cage on the back of their house.  What in the world?

I can't imagine any of the neighbours are too happy.  Then again, if you have this kind of disposable income you're probably leader of their home owners association or something.

Fooooouuuuuuur!  ty thousand dollars worth of cage?

We also saw this cool little butterfly.  It was surprisingly cold that day so I managed to get up nice and close before it flittered away.  Not the most colourful, but it's nice nonetheless.

We bought a bread maker a while ago.  It was that, or a deep fat fryer.  A tough choice I'm sure you'll agree, but the bread won out on daily usage levels.  Normally it makes fantastic bread, but sometimes I'm left in charge of making it, and then this happens.

When someone else is in charge it can make some fantastic white bread, and some amazing raisin bread.

The melonpocalypse from last year has been shelved, and now I'm trying to grow some strawberries.  We had a small crop of beans in the growbags but the yields were disappointing.  The wind up here really messed everything up.

The strawberries were grown from seed, which is uncommon, apprently.  They've yet to fruit, they may yet decide not to, but if they do I'm interested in seeing what kind of size and taste we get out of them.  I wonder if they're like apples in that you never know what the taste of a new plant will be like unless you graft.  The random genetic lottery may not be kind to the tastebuds.  Only time will tell.

And that's it for this little update.  It's been a month since I wrote anything, so I just wanted to drop a few pics down and let the internet at large know that I'm still alive.

Bye for now!

Thursday, 7 July 2016


So I just bought a roomba.

As a terminally lazy bugger I have to say it far outperforms my expectations.

It's particularly effective in the small rooms that constitute my abode, even with the density of furniture present.  Given that I can barely navigate my tiny living space without stubbing a toe, that's no mean feat.

I wouldn't recommend using it when you're in the room, not least because it's pretty thick and will drive into your legs constantly, but also because of the noise.  It's not as loud as a normal vacuum, but the constant whine of its motors and the spinning doohicky that sweeps stuff into the hoovering part are both annoying sounds.  Not to mention the fact that it constantly rolls in and out of earshot, and quite often crops up when you're least expecting it.

Aesthetically it's uninspiring, but as a utilitarian object it's fine.  I have never been one to care about how an implement looks, and I'm not going to start caring now.

I don't know how many terraatorrs of vacuum it can generate, but it's pretty damned effective at picking up the daily detritus that I couldn't be bothered to.  There are noticeably fewer dusty spots, and it no longer feels like walking over gravel when I take my socks off.

Anecdotally I would say its pretty damned useful.  It's not going to eliminate all the work I'll need to do, but it's filling in pretty damned nicely so far.

I have one major gripe, and that's the things distinct lack of intelligence.

The high end models are just now starting to include cameras and lasers to map out rooms, and they will devise effective strategies for cleaning based on the maps they make.  The cleaners capable of this are about 400gbp above my price range, and this basic one took a long time to save for already.  There are modders out there who have been adding this functionality to their roombas for three or four years at this point, so why isn't this a standard feature?

Obviously it's not a standard feature because the manufacturers can incrementally roll out smarter and smarter devices that people have to upgrade to every year, just like iphones (and soon, gaming consoles) but it's pretty galling to know the tech, software and manufacturing processes are already available.

Then again that gives the NSA another direct feed of your life, as if they needed another.

Friday, 24 June 2016

Bloody Hell Britons Are Thick

So the UK is out of Europe.  Well,  not out of Europe.  We're still in Europe.  The residents of Dover haven't banded together and purchased a thousand outboard motors, yet, but the regulatory ties to the EU that the UK has been subject to for decades, will all be thrown out of the window.

Except of course they won't.

If we want to trade with the EU we'll still be subject to their regulations, and as much as the BBC and whoever tries to convince us otherwise, we still need them FAR more than they need us.  This is demonstrable by even a cursory glimpse at the relative size of economies involved.

But this isn't an issue of mathematics, it's one of spin.  And complaining.  Oh my lord the complaining.

The leavers have complained about a million different things, whether it's stupid EU immigration laws or the buckets of money we give away daily.  Roughly a thousand different things are terrible about the EU.

The stayers have complained about a million different things, whether it's the hopeless state of the UK economy and how free trade is keeping it from collapsing in on itself, to the woeful state of human rights legislation, only kept at bay by EU law.

Don't worry though, big business and vast amounts of money will always prevail with help from their cronies in government.

Honda will take their plants outside of the UK, and they will do just fine building millions of cars in France, or Germany, or wherever they end up going.  The poor sods who will be out of a job within the next few years are fucked, but they only make tens of thousands of pounds a year, so who gives a shit?  Their million dollar bonus packages aren't at stake, because they don't have any.

The tiny companies that manufacture odds and ends for the mega factories are all in China anyway, so once again, we lose nothing there.

The small, family run or privately owned companies will face taxes and tariffs that will markedly reduce their competitiveness in the marketplace, but they're not earning millions either, so fuck them.

The enormous companies will bribe (sorry, donate) their way to exemptions from these tariffs and taxes, so they'll be fine.  Thank god.

The banks are an entity unto themselves at this point, and beyond petty 'laws.'  They'll be fine.

It's going to make travelling into Europe a right pain in the arse.  France will erect a fifty foot wall of concrete andrefugee limbs in the chinese style <>.  All of the limbs will be arms, all pointing at the channel.  All the hands will have a single raised digit.  You guess which one.

Whichever side of the fence you sit on it doesn't matter.  The Tory regime are now fully able to enact the thought-crime laws they've tried to pass in the past, and that have been blocked on human rights grounds.  The pig fuckers will abolish any and all regulation to do with banks, the UK economy will continue falling apart exactly as quickly as it would have anyway.  You won't be able to vandalise French cities during football riots.  Actually that last one won't change.

The french waiter at your favourite restaurant will pee in your soup.

But the absolute worst thing about this farce – none of it matters.


Saturday, 21 May 2016

All the Books, None of the Fuss, Plus Spoilers

So I've recently finished a few books that are worth talking about, and a few that most definitely are not. 

Let's start positively, in this case with a small independently financed book called 'Empires of Eve.' 

If you don't like games then you can skip this.  Empires of Eve is a book written entirely about a game, about the political intrigue and entirely inconsequential goings on in the virtual universe imaged by the players. 

It is conceivable that you have never heard of Eve, because its player base is, frankly, small.  Only tens of thousands play the game regularly, which in the MMO space is a paltry figure.   
The giants (World of Warcraft, Runescape) aside, MMO's launch with one of two aims.  Either, they aim to gain enough subscribers to support continued development of the game, earn a little money on the side, and keep chugging along indefinitely.  Or, they try to dethrone the king.  They go for broke, cost tens, if not hundreds of millions to make, and require a million monthly subscribers just to break even.  The latter approach spawned WOW, and a host of failures.  The former approach spawned Eve, one or two others, and a host of failures. 

With this small community comes a fervour that takes all aspects of the game to illogical extremes.  Or perhaps it's not terribly illogical.  If you consider the amount of time, and money, people spend flying the ships around and building corporations, it starts to make a little more sense. 

The universe they've built is one almost entirely player driven, so humans control the vast business interests and swathes of space that end up causing wars that engulf everyone and everything.  This, without over-egging the wotsit, means Eve feuds are some of the best on the internet.  Not even celebrity hacks hold a candle to these spats. 

And this book chronicles the first half of the games history, from creation to around 2009 (if I remember correctly) in which time any number of nefarious, nonsensical acts of treason and treachery were enacted unto the (virtual) universe. 

The writing is solid, striking the right balance of facts (whatever 'facts,' there are in a virtual world) and editorialising.  The way things pan out from a neutral observers perspective (namely, mine) mirror real life to a frightening degree.  The times a player in charge of thousands of people and multiple corporations accidentally left their PC running, leaving something exposed, or vice cersa, the result of whichch is a collapsed empire, really strikes home.  The only times we find out about nefarious banking practices, corruption, or prime ministers shagging pigs, is when something goes wrong behind the scenes and someone accidentally left their laptop open in a taxi. 

Corporate espionage is more fun (and, frankly, more interesting) when giant spaceships, and not your pension scheme, are on the line. 

The one complaint I have is that of pacing.  He leaves every chapter hanging with a parting line that reads along the lines of, 'and that was just the start,' or 'this was a precursor to bigger things.'  This grows tiresome after the first few chapters, and positively obnoxious by the end.  There are other annoyances, like the book starting halfway through, jumping back to the start, chronologically speaking, then continuing on as if nothing was amiss.  This tired writing cliché might work in a novel, but this is an entertaining jaunt through actual (virtual) history.  Cheap tricks are unnecessary. 

The author is also desperate to justify his writing, reminding the reader on several occasions that the digital happenings of the game hold value just as the real world does. 

Insofar as tens of thousands of people have spent more time in this game than all the politicians on either side of the Atlantic have ever spent in their respective parliaments in the whole history of America or the U.K. it is important.  To the people who spend their times planning how to destroy 6,000USD (one of the later battles, not included in this book) worth of virtual stuff, it's obviously worth their time and, by being such, is important.  It's entirely unnecessary to keep reminding us of this, or even, to be perfectly honest, to bring it up in the first place. 

Everything is important to someone.  Just look at train spotters, who have always been at the bottom of the ladder in terms of nerd-dom and might very well remain there until the sun explodes.  They don't have to justify their hobby any more than you or I do.  Don't even open that dialogue. 

The book is great bar the mild annoyances I've mentioned, I don't recall any spelling mistakes, which for a self-funded (is it self published?  I'm too lazy to check) book is a minor miracle.  The story(ies) are great, and I love the interviews, which punctuate the diverse ways in which humans enjoy themselves, and enjoy the behind-the-scenes machinations usually reserved for millionaires and politicians born into that particular life. 

Rating:  3 that's no moon / 4 space stations 

Another book I recently read, on the recommendation of a website I frequent, was called The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet. 

I'm not going to guild the lily here.  This book is not good.  This book is very not good, to the point that I've struck that particular website from my list of recommendatables (what a word). 

If you've ever seen the cult hit Firefly, you know the basic premise for this book.  It's about a crew, some weird alien/human mix that ensures plenty of 'we're all weird and special in our own way,' proselytising without a single meaningful interaction in the whole book.  There's not a single point at which I could say I was entertained, nor could I say that the message of diversity struck any meaningful chord.  It was stiff, inflexible, and dull. 

The plot is uneven.  The main plot point occurs thirty seconds before the end of the book, which makes me wonder whether the author originally intended a duology, or whether they ran out of ideas and needed to wrap it up quickly.  It reads like an introductory lesson in the lives of the crew and how their species function, while never physically moving forward.  The scenes in which the new human crewmember with a dark past (whom the reader is supposed to identify with perhaps?  I certainly didn't) learns about the various aliens and their clutures may well have been better handled in the form of brief flashbacks.  Instead we are treated to long, winding, and entirely dull sequences of no importance to man or alien. 

The scene in which the overt racist is humbled is contrived to the point of being cringeworthy.  In fact, at that point I put the book down and vowed to read no further.  Unfortunately as I was putting it down (read: closing the application on my phone) I noticed that I was near the end, and having struggled this far thought I may as well continue. 

There's a racy relationship between two of the crew which is kind of forbidden, I guess?  There's another racy relationship that has to be spelled out as being such in order to give it the spark of forbidden love.  If you have to spell it out to such a degree for the reader, I think it's fair to say that something has gone wrong in the telling.  The whole point of these things is that they stand on their own two (or four, or six, or in some cases eight) feet!  For heavens sake, if you're going to treat your reader like an imbecile then at least give them something to think about, however small it may be. 

But the author doesn't.  They just spell everything out in the most basic terms, stopping just short of supplying a set of crayons and colouring instructions. 

The writing is fine.  It's by no means the worst thing I've ever read in that department.  There were a few spelling mistakes which makes me suspect this is independently published.  The entire thing is easy to read which is good, because the whole ordeal can be dealt with in an afternoon. 

I would definitely check this author out again if someone else supplied the plot details. 

Take that for what it's worth. 

Rating: 1 canteloupe / 13 pineapples 

The star of this particular edition, for me, is a book entitled Earth Has Been Found.  It is by an author called D.F. Jones, and is one I recommend picking up for any fans of sci-fi, mystery or fantasy books.  Tonally speaking it's quite dark, so if you skew towards more light-hearted fare I might give this one a pass.  If you enjoy watching people scrabble around fighting around in the proverbial dark, this will be of interest. 

Before I continue I must address the biggest, most annoying flaw at once. 

This is an overtly Christian book. 

Moreover, this is an overtly American Christian book. 

Without spoiling too much (hopefully) the central conceit allows for the possibility of extra dimensions and other associated fluff. 

The author makes the monumental leap that this necessitates the existence of god.  That aliens may exist, in an extra dimension, and this is basically used as de facto proof of god.  If you don't see how ridiculous that statement is then I'm afraid you were probably inculcated at too young an age and are too far gone to see the priestly buggering from the trees. 

To add the cherry to this cake, they use this ridiculous assertion to ridicule and undermine an entire nation.  This is an american author writing an american book for an american audience so, you guessed it, it's the Russians.  The eternal bogeyman for the american psyche are at the pointy end of an existential dilemma brought about by the a few yankees that slept through a school philosophy class once. 

Let's stop, take a breath, and backpedal momentarily.  The book is set in the 1980's, so the red menace makes sense as the go-to big bad.  Fine.  Let's go with this conceit.  The initial disappearance of a plane and subsequent setup of a government agency is great.  There are a thousand books out there whose main premise is this kind of clandestine operation, that market themselves as being for war nuts, and that barely live up to the interest this book creates. 

I found myself drawn in during the first few pages and, not knowing anything of the plot, was utterly drawn in.  Had I known where this story was going, I would still have loved it because the pacing is just perfect.  The writing is strong, but there are a number of spelling mistakes, particularly towards the end.  I assume the author and/or editor ran past some deadlines at the beginning and was rushing by the latter stages, as up to about three quarters of the way through it's quite well edited.  It all falls apart towards the end though, which is a shame because it's the only criticism I have of the presentation. 

Having just lambasted the author for lazy ra-ra american-centric nonsense, let me say it's an excellent book.  The lives of the people are interesting, the story travels everywhere you want it to, and inept doctors aside, everything is as I imagine it would be.  Nothing pulls you out of the story (except the world shattering eye rolling I did when they talked about god, and then the universe shattering eye rolls when the russians were introduced) which is a great endorsement given the science fictional nature of things. 

In all I'd say this book is an absolute delight.  There are areas that could be improved, but none of those are in the writing department, and I suspect the author would have to be re-brainwashed in order to get the stereotypical nonsense out of his mind long enough to write something for non-americans. 

That I spent most of this time talking about the two terrible aspects of the plot, and yet still whole heartedly recommend this book is probably proof enough in my own mind that it's a great read.  I'd recommend this to almost anyone. 

Rating:  One russian beating a bear over the head with a salmon / one lazy U.S. writing stereotype 

That's about it for now.  No one reading this will buy any of the books I've written about, but I think they were worth writing about nonetheless (that last one is really good!).