I Can't Cook

So it's a well established fact that I can't cook, so I've been on the lookout for 'recipes.'

Where a recipe and a 'recipe,' differ is in the preparation.  A recipe requires tools (none of which I have), foodstuffs (none of which I can reasonably buy) and technique (something I will never possess).

A 'recipe,' requires the illusion of one, two or three of the above things.

Knowing this, I present to you my first 'recipe.'

So if anyone asks, they're hamburgers.  Or beefburgers or something.  I don't know.

The reason this is a 'recipe,' is simple - you don't need any specific ingredients (I just found whatever was in my fridge) or any particular skill.  You just buy mincemeat of whatever variety, chop up some vegetables (anything will do) and then mix them up.

Put them into roughly circular shapes, put them in your frying pan and cook for however long it takes to do.  Apparently you're supposed to let them settle for an hour, or put them in the fridge for a while, but I can't tell the difference either way.  Just eat the damned things.

It's taken decades to get to this point, so don't expect the next food update for a while.

On a side note, the melons are outside now (the ones that survived the cut, pun intended) so I'll get some pictures of those before they die off.

I've got a floor full of melon plants now, and I don't know what to do with them.  Urban garden graffiti?

New Years Recipe

So it's official, steam is the future.

I recently obtained a steamer of some kind, big enough to steam a chicken breast and all the vegetables.  It's the only way to cook potatoes (I really didn't eat many potatoes outside of England).  It's the best because you just turn it on and leave it, you don't have to worry about it boiling over or not being covered (so basically there's no difference between steaming and boiling).  It's good for just setting and forgetting which is perfect for me because I can't cook.

The one downside is that there's literally no flavour.  Spuds are so devoid of taste that they go with anything, but that's not exactly a boon for someone who can't cook.

The answer is simple, and is one that I've only reached today.

Before I unleash this recipe upon the world I must add that I'm making it now (I'm writing this while it boils away) and I haven't tasted it yet.  But here goes:

Boil or steam or fry your vegetables and chickens.  Or microwave them; whatever suits you best.  Put it on a plate in your preferred order.  Put cheese on top.  Wait, you're not finished yet.

Now add lots of marmite.

Done.