The videography is amazing. It's absolutely stunning. I can barely fathom how long it must have taken the cameramen to capture the images they did, especially when filming migratory behaviour.
Of course a lot of it is fake - the last series was renowned for using footage from inside aquariums and passing it off as the real deal, but what programme isn't a complete lie in this day and age? For the sake of the overwhelming majority of the footage being spectacular, it's easy enough to overlook the lies for a few scenes.
The voice over is done by David Attenborough, who we can only assume isn't writing what he says. We can hope, at least, because the script is entirely forgettable. As in, it just narrates what's on screen and doesn't offer any insight into the animals we see. For example there's an extended sequence where a fish uses a rock to open shellfish. This is incredibly cool to watch, and something I had previously assumed was reserved for mammals. Or at least animals with thumbs.
But the voiceover for this section consists of, 'this is cool, we didn't know fish were intelligent enough to do this, but look he has no hands and he keeps dropping the thing. Oops. Oops. Dropped it again. Oops, he dropped it.'
Insightful stuff.
But I'm skirting around the real issue. The sound work is fucking atrocious. Holy shit.
I don't know what their budget was, but the producers spent literally all of it on the visuals and had their toddlers do the sound for free on their TOMY (tm) Copyright 'my first animal phone.' You know the ones, they have a picture of a cow, you press it, it plays a recording of what is obviously a bored man saying 'moo.'
I can't believe how badly they fucked up in this department.
Every. Single. Shot. Is accompanied by the sound of roaring ocean, regardless of whether the shot is ten miles underwater or ten miles above it.
Fine. You are making a documentary about the ocean. Let's assume it's more of an art piece.
Some dolphins rub up against a coral to clean themselves of parasites or whatever. Quite interesting - but why does it sound like sandpaper rubbing against a wood railing?
A fish flings itself at a bird that's in mid air and manages to grab it. Really, really cool shot that must have taken the video guy ages to shoot.
The sound effect they use? I implore you to watch it because no one who hasn't seen it will believe me, but they dub over the sound of a lion or tiger, or some kind of monster, roaring.
I shit you not.
Go to one minute and 10 seconds.
The very next scene. THE VERY NEXT SCENE, has a bird preparing to fly for the first time. It kind of gently puts its foot on the ground while it stands in place, as animals are wont to do.
The narrator makes it sound like it's preparing for a fight against Mike Tyson in his prime, and the audio fucknut plays a sound effect of a HAMMER BLOW, AS THE FUCKING BIRD STEPS ON THE GROUND IN SLOW MOTION, TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THE FUCKING BIRD IS PSYCHING ITSELF UP.
HAMMERS.
The producers were one meeting away from playing eye of the tiger at this very moment.
Christ, this garbage isn't a documentary. How dare they call it anything other than populist trash dressed up as science.
It's an absolute crying shame because the producers have rightly surmised that we, as a population, have the collective IQ of a pickle farm, and need a story to make it interesting for all us idiots. We need these animals to have human traits, otherwise they're not relatable, and we need ridiculous sound effects because that's what hollywood does.
Go fuck yourself producers. Go fuck yourself David Attenborough, for putting your name to yet another soap opera dressed up as a documentary.
The funny thing is that this will win hundreds of awards for being the most realistic, lifelike documentary ever to have graced a human eyeball. Idiots will lap it up as the most spectacular, honest, truthful stuff ever sent over the airwaves.
It's garbage.
But, just as trash humans get by on looks alone, so will this.
I might go back and watch it muted, while listening to music. But for the love of god don't spend money on it. Pirate it and mute it, play Beethoven or some classical shit over the top. All the amazing slow-motion scenes will go great with some classical music instead of the Godzilla soundboard the director decided upon.
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