Tuesday 19 July 2011

Speech Contest and Photographs

So I've been given homework for the break.  I've got to read around 150 speech contest scripts and 'understand what level the students are at.'  I assume I will be judging the students at some point, and along with the other English teacher, I will basically decide who will represent our school at the competition.  I don't know what 'the competition,' is yet, but I assume there will be one.

Now, to put these entries into a semblence of context, 99% of these kids can't say 'my name is ...'  Those who can, only respond 'Bob,' or 'John,' when asked their names.  The level of English is around the same level as sub-Saharan tribes who have never encountered a European before.

Actually, that might be a little kind.

The level of English here is one below the tribesmen.

Therefore it makes me laugh when I see a script that has the following:

'Recently I hurt my shoulder.  While it was healing, I couldn't throw at all, so it was very hard for me.  But now that it has healed, I'm so happy to again be able to throw until my heart's content.'

Idioms and all!

If you think I'm being particularly biased, and merely showing the single best example, this is the first page of 150.  They're all pretty much the same.

I won't bore you with more contestants, but some of them are actually pretty interesting.  One kid talks about his/her parents divorce (I know, DEEP right?), one kid talks about going to Manchester to study music.  One kid talks about global warming, and gets all his facts wrong (which made me laugh, I must amit.)  For example, the earth will run out of oil in ten years, apparently.

Oh Japan, up to your old tricks again.

That aside, I'm halfway through them and haven't reached the second or third year entries yet.  This is at the middle school level, and I expect a commensurate improvement with age.  By the third years I expect quotes from Shakespeare and Marlowe.

Don't make me angry.  You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
So the school commissioned a few photographs a while ago.  A man with an extremely expensive camera turned up, and these are the photographs we get.  What's the point?

Anyway, click the image and it will give you a full sized picture.  It's 5 megs, so it'll take a while before the picture appears fully.

The reason why I have such a low brow?  It was 30+ degrees, and we were looking directly into the sun.  To top it off, the guy with the extremely expensive camera also had a flash, which was promptly administered on every photograph.  The reason for this, bearing in mind nothing was illuminated by the flash (except the retinas of everyone there) is something of a mystery.

I must prepare you for this next photograph; it's the best picture you will ever see of another human being.  It really is.

It's also why I hate having pictures taken of me.

Without further ado:

No, no I am not.  Can we take that one again from the other side?






So what made me laugh, aside from my hair, my face, my eyes, my glasses and my demeanor - was the fact that the gym teacher, with whom I have an unspoken rivalry regarding such things as manliness and strength, was placed next to me in this header.

Jesus, the more I look at that picture the more queasy I feel.

That's all for today, feel free to tell me exactly what I look like in the comments...

Monday 18 July 2011

Finally, Some News

Before we start, the song I couldn't think of last time was Blurs - Park Life.  Thanks for the comments.

Unfortunately, the interesting news is only weather related.  Bummer right?

If you look quickly at this website, you can see the typhoon working its merry way up the country, at a rate of about naff all centimetres an hour.  It's not technically a typhoon, the wind speeds are not high enough.

If you look here, you can see a projected path.  I'm nowhere near the actual storm, I'm just getting the offshoots and flak from the cloud.  If it follows the projected path, I may well encounter some of the fifty knot winds, however.

The reason this is interesting news?  I was awoken at 4 AM by the lightning preceding the storm.  It wasn't quite raining yet, but the storm was brewing nicely.

A prototypical European high energy thunderstorm would contain a large number of flashes, with extremely loud bangs over the course of a short period of time.  The rain would also follow a similar pattern, with heavy rainfall in short bursts.

The lightning here follows the pattern of - mayhem, followed by deafening noise and a helping of terror.  The peal that woke me up had a three or four second delay between the flash and bang.  The flash woke me up, with my curtains drawn.  The thunder shook the house.

In all honesty, I thought something had exploded, because nothing else happened for about thirty seconds.  By this time I was in the kitchen getting a drink.

Then, out of nowhere, god defibrillated Tochigi.  This bang had a simultaneous lightning strike and thundering explosion.  My intestines shook and my ears were ringing.  At this point I shat my pants,  I don't mind admitting as much, and as I opened the window to take a look outside (risking the obvious association with metal) the hairs on my arms stood up.  It must have been exceedingly close, although I'll never know exactly where it struck.

If someone was struck in this storm, you wouldn't even know - they'd be vaporised.

So after a few more strikes some miles away, I went back to sleep.  At this point it was raining quite heavily.

After the alarm woke me up, I could hear the rain pouring down.  It had presumably rained non-stop since I went to bed, and it showed as I cycled to work.  After donning as much waterproof gear as possible, I cycled through foot-high waters, being drenched by every passing car.  They don't slow down or stop for individuals on the pavement or riding their bikes.  Mannered people, indeed.

So the upshot is that, despite the best efforts of the Japanese people, I'm quite dry.  Except for my socks, which I've been forced to take off.  I didn't think far enough ahead to bring a spare pair with me.  Also, their play area (I would call it a field, except there's no grass) is under a few inches of water right now.  When do these people close schools?

I can't imagine all the trains will be running, this preponderance of weather would halt even an English train!  Wait, our trains are notoriously hardy right?

Spare a though for the guys working at fukushima, not only are they killing themselves, but now they're doing it in the rain too.  (At least it's still 30 deg C, at basically 99% humidity, eh?)

P.s  I've just read this article about a publication being made/not made public, regarding the RFU.  Someone fill me in, what happened to make the report necessary in the first place?

Friday 15 July 2011

BBC Bumper Edition

There's not much happening in Japan at the moment.  A couple of festivals I can't get to, a long weekend coming up - school nearly being finished for the term.

Therefore I've compiled a list of interesting BBC articles.

There's been a definite trend towards the English language as of late, and generally remarking on how the entire country will soon fall apart due to ipromper sellping.

This article from the BBC warns us that improper spelling will bankrupt the country, while this one reads like an angry oxbridge consultant, on the cusp insanity.  It starts reasonably, citing the long and varied history English cross-pollination, even saying it was necessary for English to become dominant.  Then he undermines it all by listing his own most hated words.

Then we walk away from the stupid, to the sublime.  I consider myself a member of the Jedi Order, so this pastafarian is as close to religious brethren as I will get.  Consider it stupid, but it's a fantastic expose of the ridiculous laws that pervade government institutions, and what constitutes rights for religious means.

It's a bit of a rubbish pasta strainer thing though - he should at least buy a chrome one for next time.  'Pimp,' it out a little.

This article is of a more practical vein, along the lines of the typical pub question, 'if a lift is falling, and you jump just before it lands, would you live?'  More accurately, the preceding question would be a statement in a pub, as alcohol not only clouds our judgement, but also our judgement, and it also clouds our judgement, and our minds. (sic)

A few coffees later and we would obviously see that, unless you are able to jump upwards at eighty miles per hour, you would die in an elevator.

If you're catching a baby, adhere to the principles of a wicky or goalie; apparently.  However, when it says you should fall while catching the baby, I can only assume it does not mean fall alongside the baby from the same height, while attempting to catch it.

I have attached a helpful picture to illustrate the correct catching technique.

Not to scale.  Any similarity to events past, present or future is entirely intentional, and you may experience epilepsy if viewed for too long.  Also, don't try this at home.

This is the extent of my artistic talent.

Then, there was an earthquake.  It caused quite a stir in the channel (sic) and will be remember for generations.  At least generations of haddock, of which there are none, so therefore it will not be remembered.  Confusing stuff.

A lot of expats always joke about how the quakes in England are pretty pathetic in comparison - but I feel they forget what life was like before they came to Japan.  If you were a caveman, you would crap your pants if you saw a car drive past.  (In this analogy, England is a caveman, and earthquakes are cars.)  I'm sure the first earthquake in Japan is a freaky event for everyone (it was for me.)

Then, finally, we come to the crux of my article.  The above is mere pre-amble for this article.  Fat fucks have yet another reason to continue being fat.  It's genetic, apparently.  And now we have a reason to be content that only westerners are fat.

It's not because we eat 60% of the worlds food between 15% of its population.  No, of course not.  It's not because we drink more beer than satan.  No, it's not that either.

It's not the fact that the population of England is comparable to a coma patient - we exercise our minds and muscles equally.

No, it's genetics.

Let's ignore the fact that England was not this fat forty years ago, or even thirty.  Let's ignore the fact that England gets fatter every day.

It's genetics.

I don't doubt that a very few people do indeed have problems.  Fat people have been a part of society for centuries, they're the well-fed friars, or Santa.  What they have not been, prior to the 21st century, is every goddamned person on the street.  Unless we have been genetically modified in one generation by a group of nefarious aliens to all be useless fat sacks, I can comfortably say that the real problem is not one of scientific pontification.

In the words of Oasis? (I can't remember the name of the band.)

GET SOME EXERCISE.

P.s  Plus one internet for whomever figures out the name of the song and band.  Three words, a billion songs. The challenge has been set.

Also:

GET SOME EXERCISE

P.P.s  I don't dislike fat people if they're A: happy and not shoving their fatness in my face (ala the BBC picture) or B:  Trying to lose weight.  (I mean actually trying.)

Tuesday 12 July 2011

The Art of Selfishness

This article from the BBC pointed towards something unintended.  The tradition in all Asian countries, has been for the subsequent members of family to provide for their elders.  They don't have pensions, banking interest rates are measured in fractions of a percent, and general wealth has been hard to come by.

Japan has bucked this trend recently, with its' declining population and relative wealth, they do the western thing of providing for themselves with pensions, savings and occasional part-time work.

Watch the article and you'll see that china is still some way behind in this respect.  The guy speaking ends his part by saying 'it will be difficult for him [the lone male child] to provide for the six of us.'

Now, when you are so selfish as to expect the child to provide for six people, without even considering the child in question, something must be inherently wrong.  In fact, expectation is the wrong feeling.  It's not really expected that he will do this; he will do it.  It transcends expectation because there is an element of doubt related to expectation.  It's a certainty in the mind of this man.  When you elevate selfishness to the realm of certainty without reprisal, you have created an art form.  Truly.

Poor kid.

Then again, the 'little emporer,' syndrome they talk about lives true and well within all of china.

Having met and spoken with a ton of the wealthiest 'little emporers,' in university, I can honestly say they can be obnoxious.  This is not to say people with brothers and sisters can't be foul, obviously this is not the case - I just feel that this particular breed of chinese (dedicated to pouring their entire being into the new generation) has created a number of monsters.  Just look at me as a prime example of the western equivalent (a term I'm now coining 'little king.') and become afraid.  There is only one of me, but there are billions of them.

Time to get out of here before they all grow up and move abroad!



In other news:  UK terror threat level has been downgraded from 'kiss your ass goodbye,' to 'rip your own eyeballs out, it'll be easier for you when they come and start shooting children.'

If you have any fears over your safety in the UK, just watch James Bond - he is badass.

Also, grow up.

One last thing about the terror warnings - they only ever raise them to the highest level after an attack has occurred, rendering all the 'I urge civilians to be cautious and alert,' bullshit moot, as we should have been alert prior to the bombing.  Not after.  Not exactly rocket scientist material heading government anti-terror units these days.  That in itself is more a cause for concern than any fictitious terrorists.


On an unrelated note, I just visited a class for lunch (every day I have to eat lunch with a class.  This is probably why I've lost weight.  I just want to eat lunch quietly without seeing filthy children vomiting and spitting food at each other and flinging poo around like monkeys.  It's disgusting.) and saw a kid eat his meal like a gannet.  An otherwise impressive feat, it was somewhat disturbing for me to realise that all the kids were eating like that.  It must be a fad or something.  Literally no chewing occurred.

Then again, contrary to popular belief, Japanese people do not possess table manners.  Sure, they kneel down and bow, say prayers of thank you (more on the prayers at a later date) before and after meals, and keenly observe proper chopstick etiquette - but once those formalities are overcome, it's all hands to the troughs.  To see grown men, holding their chopsticks perfectly, dive head first into their bowls of food without using their hands is quite something.  They can go through whole meals without actually using their perfected chopstick techniques, instead preferring the animalistic approach.  Once they have finished troughing, they observe the etiquette laden formality of life once again.

Their children are umpteen times more disgusting to watch eating.

This is of course not to disparage all Japanese people.  I find the women eat in a way that isn't fear-inducing, and some men are tolerable.

This is also coming from the only human being on the planet who feels that meal times are much better alone than shared with another, however, so my views may well be biased on this front.

P.s I just read a ten minute long back and forth internet flame war, arguing which is better: Western music or Eastern music.  Not to put too fine a point on matters, while every country has patriots, Korea and Japan have attracted the anti-patriot.  The 'weaboo,' is a common internet species, who think they're Japanese or Korean (the 'or Korean,' part is still yet to be added to the definition, but it's not long before it happens) despite being 14th generation English, French, German, Dutch or American - and never having left their parents' metaphorical or literal basement.

As such, the defence for the East-Asian music went thusly (to paraphrase): Western music is shit.

The rebuttal was: Japanese and Korean music is equally shit, except there is no variation that allows for the occasional breakthrough artist, or that caters for individual tastes.

The rebuttal is entirely correct.  The only music in Japan is pop music.  It's so generic, people have created computer programs that produce music indistinguishable from 'real,' music.  I recently told the rugby guys that I like a Japanese rock band called 'maximum the hormone,' (another example of why Japan really needs to start taking English language teaching seriously) and they said, 'that's a bit weird.'  They also advised me against telling any women that I like them, in case they thought I was weird too.

They're genuinely awesome, but they're not pop - in essence the reason why the West is better isn't the overall quality of music, (huge swathes of stuff produced in the West is dire, let's be honest) it's the fact that there is no music catering to differing tastes.  If you don't like whiny, nasal pop, you're SOL (something out of luck) in Japan.

Unless you have the internet.

The internet beats the wheel as the best invention ever.

Using the above statement, begin a new flamewar at your own behest.

Sunday 10 July 2011

Favourite Quotes

"Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers." 


 Socrates

This made me laugh because of the obvious parallels with modern life, and the fact that life is always more terrible and dangerous now than it was 'when I were a lad.'

Of course England is safer now than it was fifty years ago, but let's forget that for now.

Anyway, I just administered about thirty students worth of speaking tests for a class.  Let me put it this way, if they were stranded in England, they would be dead in under a week.  'What's your name?'

Student 1:  'uhm.'
Student 2:  'ah.'
Student 3:  'hmmm.'
Student 4:  'Like tomato.'
Student 5:  'sah ne.'

Generally, I am not surprised.  Disappointed, but not surprised.

Then again, I should probably record some of these and have awesome quotes for the future.

Wednesday 6 July 2011

Humanely Culling Shit Teachers

So I work with twenty one Japanese teachers (not including the brass).  That's a lot of teachers, and I feel it gives me a rather intimate view of teaching (particularly of elementary schools) within Japan.

I can honestly say, most are well-suited to the job.  Those who are not well-suited, often try their hardest to make up for their obvious lack of ability.  There is a fifth year class, whose teacher is the biggest pushover I've ever seen.  The upshot?  His class, (yes his) is one of the worst behaved in the school.  He has been trying to reign them back in, however, and they have started to improve.  He has two troublemakers, one of whom will be imprisoned within the next five years.  Again, to point out the obvious, why is he in a comprehensive school?  Obviously no one wants a world like the Batman metropolis (comic nerds, metropolis in this instance does not have a capital letter, so it's used as a generic term for big cities, not Supermans home.  Sheesh.) where all the master criminals are locked up in Arkham Asylum, free to plot the destruction of mankind.  Then again, no one wants a world where Two-face runs amok through the city either.  The solution?  Stop them from turning into supervillains, and catch them when they're young.  Get to work, Japan.

Anyway, this pushover teacher is working his hardest, and he is a nice, if aloof guy.

What sparked this writing, is a class I recently finished.  Basically, the fourth grade teachers are the worst in the school.  They're callous, uncaring sub-humans (with the exception of one, who is just stupid) who have no right being teachers.  Unusually, there are three of them.  The fourth grade had a particularly large turnout for whatever reason, so instead of splitting the year in two, they divvied into threes.  This had the effect of making each fourth year class relatively small (see: extremely small by Japanese standards) and I think, as a result, they've put the worst teachers into the classrooms with the smallest numbers of children.  This is purely speculative, but they are truly terrible teachers, and I can't fathom a reason for them all to be in the same year.  It could be coincidence, but on this large a scale?  I don't think so.

Anyway, I taught two of these classes today.  The first is the class of a chronic lifetime failure, whose only interest is in not doing anything.  The other teachers help in whatever way they can - be it the occasional disciplinary action, helping individual kids with pronunciation; generally being useful.  This guy sits around on his chair staring blankly out of the window, until the time is up.  Then he jumps up and starts talking over me in Japanese.  At this point I have to assume that's the end of the lesson, and leave.  He doesn't help me take my shit off the blackboard, he doesn't let the kids do the same (which is customary in Japan, as certain students are assigned to such duties) and he doesn't say thank you or goodbye.  He is, in essence, a waste of human life.

The second teacher, however, is more than that.  She is malicious.  She has an acutely disabled student in the form of a girl who can't really control herself.  She occasionally squeels, always laughs and generally acts as any non-violent disabled student would.  She is also the only happy kid in the class, and she always runs up to me and pushes me around, pushing me to the front of the class at the beginning, pushing me up and down the isles when I'm engaging kids individually, generally being a pleasant distraction from the blank faces I'm greeted with normally.

How she is still happy, is beyond my imagining.  The other kids don't understand that she's different, so when she squeels they tell her to shut up.  When she stands up, they physically push her back down.  They bully her, and the teacher encourages it.  When a kid shouts at her, she says in Japanese, 'listen to blah blah, he is quiet.'  Far be it from me to dissuade such destructive, tortuous behaviour, but when the teacher starts manhandling said disabled kid because she won't sit down, you have to start looking at alternatives for that individual.  For example, prison for the teacher, and a special school for the kid.

Why do I have such a downer on this particular teacher?  Today, before class started, I told her 'wow Japan sure is hot,' in the kind of colloquial shallow way that indicates my tolerance of your existence, but nothing more.  So she closes all the windows and doors, so there's no breeze.

Upon explaining a particularly challenging grammar point, the kids are failing to understand.  To expedite matters I ask the teacher to explain in Japanese (something they are wont to do in all circumstances, requested, required or superfluous, as the case may be) to which she replies - 'this is English class.'  After finally getting the kids to understand the point, some ten minutes later (sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and grind your way through a grammar point) she stands up, and in Japanese, explains what I just said.  It took her fifteen seconds.  Then she starts giving out instructions in Japanese.

I tell her that the class is too noisy, and I'm losing my voice because I'm shouting too much.  She replies in Japanese, sorry, I don't understand what you are saying.  She then eggs the class on during a game to make them produce more noise, and make it more difficult for me to quiet them down.  When I am trying to quiet them, she talks to groups of students, diverting class attention and ensuring the noise takes an extra minute to die off.

I can only think an american naval officer did something terrible to her family, for her to have so much hate for foreigners.

P.s   To bring balance to the force - next week I'm working with one of the nicest teachers on this earth, so, if I remember, I will write about how awesome she is.

Monday 4 July 2011

You Gotta Get Up

Welcome to the annual music choice awards.

Wait, what?

So the teachers have been asked (at gunpoint) to select their favourite songs, to then be played at lunchtime for all the children to listen to.  This is a vain attempt at staving lunacy, and one I fear will not work.

To put some perspective on matters, every school in Japan is identical.  The buildings are identical, the classrooms are identical, the teachers are identical, the subject matter for every discipline is identical between schools, there is no variation.  Continuing this theme, every day a jingle is played while eating lunch.  The word jingle doesn't convey the filthy sweetness that pervades every note.  I have cavities from merely listening to this shit.  The number of italicised words in the preceding sentences serves to illustrate how much I loathe this act of insanity, and how much it destroys the soul.

At this stage, I feel it worth noting that I work with two very elderly teachers, employed in an advisory capacity (ala american military speak).  One is/was an English teacher, the other a scientist.  They are both completely indoctrinated in the world of schools and education.  I suspect, without asking, that their entire lives have been spent in such formalised settings - seemingly without a glimpse at the outside world.

When the bell rings, they instinctively stand up and do something, whether it be cleaning or bowing, they have cornered the market in instinctive Pavlov reaction.  The thing that I find curious is the evident lack of immediate reward.  The dog received food and a test tube in the gob, what do these guys get?

They have even been trained to sit on the floor with the kids, come cleaning time.  Now, ordinary teachers don't partake in that nonsense, so this pair are obviously seen as being less important than the 'real,' teachers. In an interesting foot-note, the principal teacher of the third years wanted me to sit on the floor with the kids, while he lorded over us.  I flatly refused, which has caused polite ructions between us.  I asked all the English speaking teachers whether I should sit on the floor with the kids, and they all said it wasn't the done thing, but I could see where pomposity might overtake reason - he has been at a relatively lowly position within the schooling system for his entire life and frustration must be setting in.  A perennially overlooked lower management type, begrudgingly sharing his space with a stupid foreigner who invades my country etc.  At least I've had the acknowledgement from other Japanese teachers that he's a dick.  So it's not just me.

Why bring this up?  If someone asked these elderly folks to mop the floor with their teeth, they would.  I think the matrix famed idea of being 'inerged,' in a system is a perfect contemporary comparison to draw.  They have spent their lives ordering and being ordered, and they seem so devoid of life and spark that I am genuinely worried.  Everything about them screams 1984.


It begins with the education system, it continues through their working life, and even into retirement.  Their pop music is the very definition of generic (whether you like it or not, it is empirically impossible to deny that the next song to be released will be as near-identical as it's possible to be to the song on the radio now, without technically infringing on copyrights and patents) with the sound not having changed in over a decade, they all eat watermelons in August, and cold noodles in September (dates pulled from my behind, but the principle holds true) with everyone working in private industry 'enjoying,' mandatory fun drinking sessions called enkai every week.

Even the rebels and societal outcasts dress the same and act the same way.  They drive bikes with open exhausts, or cars without mufflers, or dye their hair red and wear makup if your a man, or none if a woman.  That's it.  That's the extent of rebellion.  It's a socially accepted form of rebellion.

My point in all this?  It's not negative, as it may at first appear.  The simple fact that everyone and everything is the same gives rise to unfathomable opportunity.  It's literally unfathomable for the average Japanese person, because they all conform.

Opportunity how, I hear you cry.  Well, for one, what would happen if you came here with a hair dye that wasn't red?  Pink hair dye would sell a million units in a month, and you would be a millionaire.

Or, if you were a retired worker earning 20,000 yen (150 GBP) a month advising teachers and said, nuts to this - if I worked part-time in a store I would earn four times this much, you would be much happier.  There is life outside these here walls, you just need to go and find it.




P.s  I happen to know that 20,000 yen is the going rate for the elderly advisors to teachers.  They work two or three full working days a week.  This ends up being 312 yen an hour.  That's 2.40 GBP an hour, calculated to a 2 day working week.

UK minimum wage:


  • £5.93 - the main rate for workers aged 21 and over 
  • £4.92 - the 18-20 rate
  • £3.64 - the 16-17 rate for workers above school leaving age but under 18
  • £2.50 - the apprentice rate, for apprentices under 19 or 19 or over and in the first year of their apprenticeship
These elderly folks are sure as hell not apprentices.  Remember folks, criminal extortion doesn't just exist in drug rings, governments practice it too!

P.P.s While researching this entry, I googled 'inerged definition.'  I suggest you do the same and look at the first link (and the second for that matter).

This makes me suspect that inerged isn't actually a word, just a matrix inspired stroke of genius.  I will lobby in a quiet unassuming way for it to be included in the English Oxford dictionary, and I will continue using it whether it exists or not.  The sound of the word encapsulates the meaning perfectly.  Very rarely do I have the feeling that the definition of a word is inextricably linked to the sounds produced when saying the word, but this is one of those cases.

Inerged (adj.) - Description of a human being.  Indoctrinated into any man-made system, parliamentary, scholastic, governmental etc.  Ex.  He was inerged in the system, and could not see its inherent flaws.

syn.  Invested, (needs more synonyms, can't think of any (which, incidentally, bodes well for inclusion in the English language!)

Etymology - Science.  Describing process of submerging solids, usually in liquids.  Also describes unreactive materials.  Origins unknown.

Sunday 3 July 2011

Inspiration

So I'm struggling to think of anything to write about.

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I went rugby training on Sunday, just a quick mess-around really.  Sunburnt my arms (again).  Not too serious this time, at least.

The only time I seem to remember sun tan lotion is when I get that tingly/burning feeling, that signals late-stage stupidity.

My hair is the longest it's ever been.  I can nearly pony-tail it.  There's nowhere in my town to get a cut, and I'm sure as hell not travelling on the train to find somewhere that does cut hair.  Getting the train anywhere takes an hour, because I inevitably arrive at the station just as the train I want to catch departs.  This leaves me stranded on the station for the better part of an hour, while another train slowly pootles its' way towards me.  I then hop on that one, travel for five/ten minutes and arrive at my destination.  The percentage of inefficiency related to trains in my area is ridiculous.  For a comparison, take a plane.  You travel to the airport, wait for hours at the airport, fly, wait for hours at the airport, then arrive at your destination.  Waiting and travelling to and from the airport is probably upwards of seven hours.  A typical flight will be four or five hours.  This results in a ratio of waiting to flying of 4/7.

My train travel: a ratio of 1/5.  Then again, sometimes I don't have to pay, or at least not the full fare.  Cool.